When you start over, getting to know people is a process that takes time. I’m thankful for a husband and patient adult daughters who listen and care so much. Yet today I had an opportunity to have a personal conversation with a few ladies at school. It’s happened a few times, so I know Sapulpa is special and God put me there on purpose.

When people say to me “I admire you for going on,” I have mixed feelings.

I appreciate what they are saying. I like that they are acknowledging my grief and my loss. It is indeed… devastating. It is so much more healing to hear these words than for people to not talk to me at all. I know it’s a terribly vulnerable and uncomfortable subject and words are inadequate. I know these words are an effort to encourage me. I also know they are really not able to imagine losing a child, and who would want to try anyway? It’s an unnatural reality that none of us want to have as our own.

If I did not go on, what would I do? It wouldn’t bring BJ back. Unfortunately, nothing we can do or not do will bring him back. From his perspective now, he surely wouldn’t want to come back. It’s a ridiculous train of thought, yet we miss him, so we keep wanting to bring him back.

I want to argue that I don’t really have a choice, but I know I do. I could isolate myself, let the bitterness in, wallow in self pity and be angry. Those choices are not too far from my imagination, yet I pray against the temptation to give in to them. I know they would be very self destructive and cause even more hurt in the family.

Because I choose to press on, do I love my son less? It’s an unfathomable question I know, but still, grief is not always logical. In my heart, I know we would dishonor BJ and his memory if we didn’t forge ahead with whatever God has for us.

Thankfully, God has allowed us to see His hand working through people all around us because of BJ. Brent recently received an email from a college student speaking of BJ’s influence in her life, and she never knew him. She simply read the website, namely, his journal entries. It’s the biggest comfort we have been afforded. BJ’s life has made and is still making a difference. It’s an incredible blessing to receive.

I guess I can hardly wait to hear the whole story, you know, like Paul Harvey’s “the rest of the story”? What was happening in the heavenlies through our six week journey in the hospital? What was and is God thinking anyway? Our perspective of God and how He works is getting stretched for sure, but I’m positive we still have no idea.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways, My ways,
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is My word that goes out from My mouth:
It will not return to Me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”
Isaiah 55:8-10

We can trust His Word. We can trust His ways. We can rest in Him. We can rest in His purposes. He is all knowing and wise. He sees beyond what we see. He holds our hand when we are discouraged and don’t understand. He listens when no one else will. He hears our cries and sends help just in time.

Mom