Saturday, October 08, 2005

Dear Family,
Perseverance has a whole new meaning to me, as we must continue on, even though we don't want to without our precious BJ. At times I'm even angry that life goes on for everyone else - everything seems perfectly "normal." We've been in this "hold" pattern for so long, waiting, hoping for a "happy ending" and now, we must deal with the finality of no more new memories with BJ. What a blow after so many prayers and people fasting and crying and pleading to God on our behalf. What a blessing you all have been to us. I know we've said that over and over, but how true it is! And I continue to be amazed and thankful that so many are still checking this site. Thank you - it shows a real understanding for loss with your continued prayers for us.

Survivors have to find a way to face each new day and not "waste our lives." At first I didn't think I could face the classroom again, but now I know I need to. I don't know how, I don't know when, if ever, I will be ready, but a teacher is what God made me to be. The notes and cards I have received from so many of my students have been very heart warming and precious - children's prayers are my favorite.

We continue to be thankful for the precious memory of BJ, the person he was, the words of his journals, and all that has happened to further the kingdom because of his/our story. Even in our thankfulness, of course, we are sad, we are frustrated, we have all the typical emotions that loss and grieving naturally bring. But we don't grieve as those who do not have hope, this is true. I pray you keep praying - we need it like no other time ever!
Deanna, BJ's mom


At 11:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will be praying that all you stay strong. Know that the Haag family is praying for you.

Jonathan Haag

At 11:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We will continue to pray for your

The Allen Family


At 12:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We will continue to pray for you. As a mom, my heart aches for you and I pray that God will continue to carry you thru this time. We are continually using BJ and his journals to teach and challenge the students God has given us in Student Ministry. We are thankful to be able to show them such an example of a teenager just like them who truly "got it" and God was able to use him in amazing ways - even today and in the future. Thank you for sharing with all of us.
In His Love and Care,
Kansas City

At 12:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for being so real and transparent - our family will continue to cover yours in prayer. Your open sharing about this journey has taught me so much about really leaning on the Lord in the difficult, almost impossible to deal with, moments of life. I have been touched in such a deep way by BJ and your entire family; I don't even know how to express my appreciation to you all except to say thank you from my heart. It is a privilege and honor to stand with you and lift you up to the Father during this time. Blessings and much peace and comfort to you all.

At 12:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

do not worry about being w/o prayers. you have mine..and my families. and countless others that i have recruited to pray for y'all. I love you like you are my own. The Lord is faithful..and He will continue to bring us all through this.
Love you..Kristin..KC

At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very few moments go by that you are not in my prayers. I think of you often and your great loss brings me to my knees asking for God's comfort for you.

I am glad that you have decided to go back to teaching. I know that the decisions that you face now are difficult but know that you are being covered with prayer as you make each one of them.

It has been said before but I echo so many other posters when I say that your family has been an inspiration to us all and an example of what it means to "trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understandings."

May you always feel God at your side and His peace surrounding you.

At 12:14 PM, Blogger Deanna said...

Father, I bring Deanna before You now. As a mother, it is the most unnatural thing to lose a child. It must be as losing a part of yourself. Please comfort her as she grieves through this time. Hold her close and love her as only You can do. Remind her that You created her as a special person, a teacher! Help her to go on and teach children. Help her to continue to be an example for the rest of us mothers.....I pray that my children love Jesus like BJ! I also, pray that You comfort Brent, Lauren and Whitney as they are also grieving. Hold them close to You, Lord. Thank You for always being here for all of us.
We love You, Father....amen

At 12:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Comfort Me
(by Jan Peterson)

(verse 1)
People tell me it will be alright
That I will see him again
I know they mean well cause I know their heart
But they just don't understand
This hurt I'm feeling deep inside
It's a pain I've never felt before
Some ask how can I bear the loss of my child
How will I ever endure

Lord I know You will see me through
You've always been there in my need
Though I may question why
I'm trusting You to comfort me

(verse 2)
They say that time can heal all wounds
Right now it doesn't feel that way
But in my heart I know that one day soon
I'll see my son's smiling face
And there will be no more tears to cry
There will be no more heart break
But until then I'll just live my life
Trusting You Lord from day to day

This was a song I wrote for a friend who lost a child. She too was a believer, but still had her moments where she didn't understand, and where she felt others didn't really understand her pain. But in her heart, she knew that this life was not the end for her son. She had a hope that she would indeed see her son again. And you have that hope as well.

Your story has so touched me. I am amazed at the strength that your family has shown through these entries. I know that your pain must be intense, but I see that you still cling to the savior's hand for your comfort. It may be hard to go back to teaching but just as BJ was called for a purpose, so too are you. Look to God to give you the strength.

If you want to actually hear the song you can email me at and I will send it to you.

At 1:04 PM, Blogger natenamy said...

"When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord. When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea. When I cry for help, oh hear me Lord, and hold out your hand. Touch my life, still the raging storm in me..."

Know that we are lifting you up to the Father who calms all storms numerous times during the day. We won't stop either! We love you LOADS.

Sonshine today and forever,

Nate and Amy

At 1:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't give up in your faith! You are so loved by so many and I'm glad that you know that. BJ was so special that I will never forget him! Thank you for showing us BJ! He was such an inspiration to go deeper in God's words. I'm still praying for you.
Lots of love,
Lauren Szabo

At 1:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Deanna,

Thank you for posting...

I am so honored to be able to lift you and your family up in prayer...

My heart aches for you as I am a mother of a 20yr. old daughter and a 16yr. old son.
I can only amagine how hard your days must be.
Although we are Christians, we are very much humans in the flesh with great human emotions.

Thank you for expressing yourself for it allows me to continue to pray for you specifically.

DEEP in my Heart and Thoughts,
Your Sister in Christ,
Mary (Noblesville)

At 1:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We of course will continue to pray for you all. Always!! I know this is so hard, and emotions are so strong!! Just keep going to Jesus and He will bring you a peace beyond understanding. He loves you and knows your pain! Remember--- Jesus wept!!! He knows the pain of loss. But He also knows the hope too. He is our hope! And this too shall pass!

As a mom of heart aches for you and cannot imagine your pain and grief. But I do know that God is using your son in unimaginable ways, and if taking him home was Jesus' purpose to bring others to Christ through your son, what a precious gift!! But in this cruel world full of Satan, it is still hard to deal with the emotions. And I know it is hard to watch other people living their lives when yours seems to have stopped, but Jesus wants you to grieve...then continue in the work He has called you to. He loves you so much, and He will see you through.

Your prayers are contantly being lifted up to Heaven from all of us. You are never out of our thoughts. We love you so much. Keep the faith, and just lean on Jesus. His arms are always open.

God bless you!

Linda Anderson
Willows, California

At 1:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 1:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deanna and Family:

We have been and will continue to lift all of you up in prayer. My heart hurts for you for everything that you've all been through. No words could ever express our deepest sympathy to you.

We heard great comments from Michelle about BJ's celebration of life service. Wow...I wish we could have been there.

Know that we love and miss you guys.

Joel & Christal Mearig
Huntington Beach, CA

At 1:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please know how much your family has touched my life. God has used you all in a mighty way. I keep hearing a small voice telling me to just "stand in the gap" and BJ immeadiatly comes to mind. I continue to share your story and this website with everyone. Thank you for continuing to share with us your journey and I know it is reaching others for Christ. Your all in my prayers.

Standing in the gap,
Shelly Danville, Ky

At 1:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

DEANNA!!! I am so glad to hear from you! I have been praying so hard for you. We miss you so much at Church and we can't wait until we see you again! I love you so have been such an inspiration to me even before this whole thing began. I am continuing to pray for you!

Love in Christ,
Kelsey Barnett

At 1:53 PM, Blogger Christina said...


I am listening to my favorite Christian radio station in the Washington, DC area and when a MercyMe song came on, you all came to mind. That means I need to check to blog to see how the Higgin's family is holding up.

Reading your posting made me cry. I am a teacher too and I know how precious a student's love is. I can't imagine what you are feeling, so I will not pretend. Know that your and your family have impacted my family and I. It is my prayer that when we are faced with the kind of adversity you all have, we will be half as graceful and faithful.

I know that God is with you as you grieve. I will pray that you will continue to find comfort in those around you!

Holding you up before our Lord,


At 1:53 PM, Blogger Sheila said...

Dear Higgins Family,
Please know that my heart still aches for your loss. We are going through some of the same things right now with my aunt. She has cancer in almost every part of her body. She is dying, evry day she is dying. I look at all the prayers and faith that God would have healed her and yet He has chosen not to...Why I wonder some imes and ThenI think of all the Glorry He has received because of her suffering. I don't understand it all but I know that To God be the Glory. Your son BJ brought glory to God through his life and he continues to do that. My aunt has brought Glory to God also through her life and I know that she will too even after she goes home. I asked her if she was afraid and she said no, I know what waits on the other side. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I know who holds all of our tomorrows. Thank you for your faithfulness to write to us and share from your hearts. You have been a blessing and a comfort to me.
God Bless and keep you in His care, may He wrap His arms around you and grant you peace..peace that passes all understanding.
Troy, IL

At 2:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I pray for you so often...for strength, encouragement, peace, and joy. Our God is so faithful, but our feelings are so real. Your loss has been so great. Yes, we know that God causes all things to work together for the good for those who are in Christ Jesus, but once again, our feelings are real. I pray that the Lord will touch you right where you are. Helping you each day, one day at a time. Giving you the grace that you need to complete each day. Fill your home with praises to our King...for He enhabits the praises of His people. When I am at my lowest point and I reach out to Praise our Lord...He is there. When my flesh is saying to just give up...He's there. I know I need to press into His presence and He always meets me there. He always touches me and gives me just enough to get through that day.

Deanna...I am praying for a special touch to just fill you to overflowing. You are a precious daughter of our King. May He cover you with His Spirit and give you the comfort that only He can give.

Know that you are in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers.

Youngstown, OH

At 2:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

From a mother to a mother,
I can not even pretend to know the depth of your pain. I am praying for your strength to grow every day.
I pray for peace in your heart as you try moving forward. Be kind to yourself and allow all emotions prevail as they will. A cycle of grieving takes so much out of us physically and emotionaly.
I am praying for you. I hurt for you.
We miss BJ. And Please know we are all praying for your strength, peace in your hearts and guidance from our Lord to help you cope through the days to come and choices to make.
With all our Love snd Hugs we send your way to bring some comfort throughout your day.

Lisa Gresh and Meils Family
Indianapolis, IN

At 2:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for letting us hold your family up to Jesus with our arms of prayer. Yes your family is so very stong in the Lord but please remember that it is okay to allow yourself to feel the many emotions that come with loss. Let them flow now that Jesus may use them to be used in your healing now instead of years from now. It is so okay to tell him how you really feel and how your really doing. Remember...He already knows it and is so willing and so ready to hold you in his lap with his arms so lovingly wrapped around you to let you cry, talk, or just be near to him.

Your sister in Christ,
Cathy Moorman

At 2:39 PM, Blogger Nic and Jen said...

Dear Deanna,
Oh how my heart aches for you. How your heart must be aching for the loss of BJ. I am so incredibly sorry. I won't pretend I know what you are going through. But I do know that through BJ, the Lord was glorified. The Lord will halp you through this. We are lifting you up in our prayers. I think of Zephaniah 3:17 " The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Keep pressing onward day by day with perseverance. Call upon the Lord for all your strength. Know that God has many promises for you, and you will see BJ again one day. I am obviously in no position to tell you how to deal with your grief, as I cannot fathom what you are going through. My only way to help is to pray for you and tell you God's promises. Look at Jeremiah 29:11.

Your Heavenly Father is holding you in His grip right now. I am sure of that. We will continue to pray. Thank you for posting and keeping us informed of how you are doing. You are an amazing family. Everyone loves you!


At 2:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deanna, I remember those feelings of "how can life be 'normal' for others?" both after our Samuel died and after my father-in-law passed away very suddenly. Somehow you feel as though life should stop, or that you're dishonoring your loved one if you do something normal or even fun. I know. It hurts. If you didn't love so much, it wouldn't hurt so much--but of course you wouldn't want it any other way!

Father, thank you that you understand all of the emotions associated with this time. Please use those emotions to your glory. Provide the right people at the right time, the right outlets at the right time, and please keep the Higgins' own family relationships strong in You and strong with one another especially now. God, show Deanna the right time to return to her ministry of teaching these precious little ones. Begin preparing the way now. . .we know it will be bittersweet, but Lord, may the sweet outweigh the bitter, and may the ministry be mutual between Deanna, her students, and other teachers. Thank you for her willingness to listen to You even as You are holding her so closely through this time of shadow and pain. We love you, God, and we praise You again for Your work in the Higgins family. . .and in our own lives as well.

We pray in Your holy name,


praying in pink,

Marti for the Pieper family
Charleston, SC

At 2:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are so right. You do need to carry on, for you and the rest of the family. There are other people who need all of you, and try to find comfort knowing that BJ is having the time of his life,
"what he lived his life for". I will continue to pray for all of you as you face a new chapter in your lifes.
Love, Tammy

At 2:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know we will. Keep praying, I mean. As before we, down in Dallas, are lifting you up daily. For my part almost hourly, as my mind strays to thoughts of you very often. Know we will be here for you as long as you need it.

Your daughter,
Dallas, TX

At 2:59 PM, Blogger Ashley Reagan said...

Please know that I continue to pray for you and your family. I know this has to be so hard on all of you, but I pray that God will give you the strength to keep going. I love you guys so much and feel like you are a part of my family. God bless.

Ashley Dawn (peru 04)
Bixby, Oklahoma

At 3:11 PM, Blogger Kim Mierau said...

praying continually for strength and hope for you. may you feel God's presence in your lives daily. love *kim

At 3:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are lifting you up even more now in prayer. We are with you daily talking to HIM.. hope to see you soon. I hope Deanna you received the notes from my students. What a witnessing opportunity for me when I related to them that he met Jesus now !!! We miss you and send alot of love.
Bill and Marlene and family.

At 3:29 PM, Blogger Tara Case said...

Just as my other teammates have claimed, we are still praying. It seems it starting to become rougher but i know we are all pressing matter how much 'on hold' we may feel like. I said that same thing when we got home...but we still have a battle to fight. We have been thrown back in this war of parents being scared to let there kids go, trying to find out how life is suppose to function, and refocusing what our entire purpose actually is here... atleast for me thats what it seems to be like. Thank you for loving the Awe Star family like you have. For talking with us and encouraging us in ways you may not even see. It means more than we can say. ::Hugs:: Love you!
Tara Case
Yukon, Oklahoma

At 3:47 PM, Blogger Karen Vesely said...

Thnak you Deanna for sharing your heart with us. We cannot possibly understand how you feel right now, but know that we support you and believe in you.

God has a plan for your life... without BJ right now...
I am so sorry to say that.
But HE also knows your capabilities and your strength. How proud HE must be of you!

You CAN do this...
God Bless You Dear Sister in Christ,
Karen Vesely
San Clemente, CA

At 3:49 PM, Blogger the leaf family said...

Higgins Family,
I think of you all often thru out each day.. I must say I do wonder at what point do you begin to live again.. I know that everything you once knew is totally different.. the rest of us will go back to "normal" but, for your family there will be a new "normal" in your life..
My heart aches so deeply for each of you.
We love you and will be praying..
With all my Love and Prayers in KC Tracy

At 3:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Beloved Family of B.J.,
You are loved by us all and we continue to lift you up in prayer to our Father in Heaven!
We pray that you will find peace and comfort in the days ahead.
We thank you for updates that you share with us here.
Still praying and sending you all big huhs from Bethlehem, PA.
Love in Christ,

At 3:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't imagine. I wish I could hug you right now --

At 3:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OOPS, I meant BIG HUGS from Bethlehem , PA! Sorry!

At 3:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My prayers to you and your family will continue ...

At 3:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

every time i look at this website, my eyes blur with tears. BJ has touched my life.
praying for you,

At 4:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deanna and Family,

We are continuing to pray for you every day. We miss you at PVE and are looking forward to your return.

Shannon Ross

At 4:19 PM, Blogger Melissa said...

Deanna, as a mom, I can't imagine the pain you are feeling, but please know that you all continue to be in my prayers everyday!!

At 4:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. God Bless, The Hamilton's (Greenville, TX)

At 4:57 PM, Blogger phil4yahshua said...

I came across this and it really spoke to me. I pray the words bring you comfort....

Love You all.....Phil

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name, and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready, in Heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind, all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for, so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, just even for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized, that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is Eternity, all I've promised you".
Today your life on Earth is past, but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
and since each day's the same day, there's no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful, so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things, you knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven and now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand and share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I'm right here,
in your heart.

At 5:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Higgins Family,

I heard a great sermon last week from Woody Cumbie about praise. And I immediately thought of you. He was explaining that there will come a point in our lives, in our deepest sorrow, anger or pain, that we will have a choice to make: Praise God or be mad at God. When we choose to praise God it sets our hearts free. He retold the story of Paul and Silas in prison. They could have chosen to be upset with God questioning why God would allow them to be inprision especially after setting a soul free. But when they praised God in their circumstances, He allowed their chains to fall off and for others to be saved. In their difficult circumstance, they verbally praised God and others benefited from it. You have been this model of praise to us!! We have benefitted from your example.

Isaiah 61:2-3 is fitting:

2 to proclaim the year of the Lords favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

We will continue to lift you up to our Heavenly Father.

Amy Moore

At 6:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please know that you are on the hearts and minds of the body of Christ. If I've never even met BJ and feel such loss, I can't imagine the depth of grief for all of you. May God supply the grace and peace for each day for your family.

Debbie Morgan

At 6:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are in my thoughts and prayers continually.

At 6:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you. Please know that even though we may not always leave messages, we're still checking the site daily and praying for you without ceasing!

At 6:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praying Praying Praying!

At 6:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm still praying for you. Deanna, I think of you so much, being a mother myself, I just can't imagine the pain. Know that my prayers are with you. Thank you once again for sharing your precious son with us.
praing in NC, Karen

At 7:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Know that we love you. I think of you so much throughout my day. So many words have been said to try to comfort you.(and I am sure each one is so heart felt)So many of us just want to give you a hug to comfort you and say nothing at all. I have told you before that I love to worship with you at church. It's your smile and your genuine love for the Lord while you are praising and worshiping our King! I have told Matt that being a "teacher" is perfect for you. You have that loving nature that any mother would want as a teacher for their child. Many children need to see that smile that you share. Sooo many of them don't see any smiles at home. As you face all of the emotions day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and life seems to be going on normal for everyone else remember that with all the people who have been praying that at that very minute you are being lifted up to our Heavenly Father by someone. We will keep you close to our heart and pray that you will feel even closer to our precious Jesus.

Rebecca L

At 8:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Deanna,

I hurt so deeply for you.

Praying you through the pain,
Lynne in Gray, Ga.

At 8:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will continue praying. The Lord has placed your family on the hearts of all us.

At 8:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Deanna & Family,
our hearts ache for you and the pain you must carry. We love you. we pray

love John & Jeannie

At 9:02 PM, Blogger Barbara Ann said...


Thank you for sharing how you are REALLY doing. It takes such courage to share it to the world. I believe that when you share your relationship with Christ with someone, you are sharing the most intimate part of your life with them. Your struggles, your joys, what Christ is teaching you, everything...
I am so blessed to be apart of that with you and your family. Thank you for sharing with me.

Miss you, love you, and still praying...

Barbara Ann

At 9:06 PM, Blogger . said...

Dear Deanna,
As a mom of four, my heart aches at even the thought of losing a child. I can't begin to imagine the pain your heart feels. I find myself wishing there was something all of us could do to make it go away.

I found myself thinking the other day how surreal this is all seems--almost like a bad dream that we're all waiting to wake up from. What a glorious Morning that will be when we DO all wake up in a place with no sickness or death or moms with broken hearts!

Till then, I'll be praying for you--one mom for another. (And for Brent, Lauren, Whitney, and Gramma, too.)

Still praying....

At 9:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wanted you to know I feel like BJ's life has started a revolution. Kids still continue to talk about it at school...and even though it may feel that nothing new is coming and the initial shocks are over, people are continuing to find christ and be amazed at BJ's life every day. I know this will continue. The ending line in the movie "Cast Away" says something like... "Life gets rough..and the tears will come. But we have to know that no matter what happens, the sun will rise tomorrow...and it's going to be okay." In one of John Piper's sermons..he speaks about how God is so intimate with us that he wants us to come sit on his lap and he wants to stroke our cheek and pull back our hair out of our face and tell us its all going to be okay. Thats my prayer for you and your family. And by the way, I think I may go to Africa this summer to help take BJ's place. Rock on, Jesus!

God's faithfulness dominates even through the confusion...
Kara Palmer

At 9:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I understand what you are saying, God made you a teacher, just as he made me a nurse, you can't get away from that, no matter how hard it may be to go back to it. I will be praying for you as you are facing this decision down the road.
It will be difficult, emotional but necessary. I hope you all are doing ok, as "ok" as you can be right now. We miss you and hope to see you soon. Love you guys.

Love, Nancy

At 9:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your family is continually in my thoughts every day. Barbara Ann brought me the program from your sons funeral and carry it in my purse with me everywhere as a reminder to lift you up in prayer. I know the pain of loss is strong but I know there is joy and celebration on the other side of grief.

God bless,
Katie Kyle
Piedmont, Oklahoma

At 9:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just so you hasn't gone on perfectly "normally" for me. I'm still dealing with the loss of my best friend and will be for a very long time. I miss him more than words could express...which makes me think of how much more you must miss him being his actually family and having known him for his entire life. You are continually in my prayers. I love you and you truly are my family now!


At 9:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Still praying. Please keep letting us know how ya'll are doing.

In Christ,

At 9:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Deanna,

I know I can not begin to understand all of the emotions and pain you are experiencing these days. As a parent it is hard for me to comprehend why God would take BJ from such a loving and obedient family. On a human level it seems so unfair. These are the times that I want God to explain his plan to me, answer all my questions, and let me argue when things do not happen the way I think they should. I want to say to God: "Yes Lord, I know that many people will be brought to you because of BJ's death; but could he of not made just as much impact if he had lived a long obedient life?" I thank God that he is patient with me and helps me realize that I may not always understand; but his plan is always perfect. I am so thankful that God allows someone as unworthy as me reveal my thoughts to him. He understands our pain and weeps with us. I will pray that God continues to demonstrate His mercy and love to you and your family.

Kathy H.

At 9:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Deanna,

Thank you for your honesty. It is said that the most horrible loss is that of losing one's child, because it seems so "unnatural". We expect to bury our parents, but not our children. I grieve for you, cry for you and pray for you. Our children are close to the same age--mine are 19, 17 and 15. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel.

It is natural to feel numb, angry, hurting, etc. It is not unspiritual to feel these feelings. You have gone through "major surgery" so to speak. I compare such a loss to losing a limb, and then experiencing the "phantom limb"--it should still be there. There is a hole in your family that can't be filled.

I have not lost a child, but I did lose my 34 year old brother 8 years ago--so I guess I can best relate to what your daughters might be feeling. (I have a sister--Drew Burligame's mom). Our family dynamics were altered permanently. It was frightening and more painful than I can describe.

A book that helped me was "My Companion Through Grief" by Gary Kinnaman. Not that a book is a "magic wand". I really found that time was what helped the most--so be patient with yourself, find someone who's not afraid of your pain that will listen.

When I know about someone losing a loved one, I commit to praying for them for a year. I will do so for you too. Thank you for sharing yourselves.

Linda Storm
Ontario, CA

At 9:57 PM, Blogger Kalliopi Psalm said...

I can't imagine. Our prayers continue.

At 9:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deanna (& Brent, Lauren & Whitney),

Yes, Yes we will..Yes, you have got it! Our prayers continue, they will not cease. We will continue to lift you up for the daily, moment by moment for the things that come up...the feelings, the reminders, everything - big & small.

Esp. now that the spiritual "high" of so many people being with you - physically has slowly dwindled. Know without a shadow of a doubt that we are standing (kneeling) with you and for you. This is the time the enemy will be trying to attack the most. Our God is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords...Ruler, Omnipotent, and Fatherly. We faithfully continue to pray for you. Know we are here.

Know we are here.

We love you,
The McMahans

Gal. 6:2
"Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ"

James 5:11a & 13a
"Behold, we count those blessed who endured." and "Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray."

Matthew 7:7&8
"Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it shall be opened."

"Lord, we are here and we ask you for Your supernatural comfort and protection for Brent, Deanna, Lauren, and Whitney. We faithfully and obediently want to bear, help bear their burdens in ways that You would give us. Lord, help them in these later hours. They are indeed suffering still & even maybe more during these hours...we pray with them. We ask. We seek. We knock Lord and You give, You are found, and You will open. All the glory & honor to You. Lord help them. Show them in MIGHTY ways your new mercies over & over & over."

At 10:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are continually in our prayers.

At 10:10 PM, Blogger Linda Ronne said...

Dear Deanna, You spoke as only a mother can. My heart breaks for you, I can't begin to imagine the pain you as a mother are going through. I am a mum of 4 children ranging from 15 up to 26, and as mothers we have such a strong bond with our children. The feelings you are experiencing are natural and very normal, whether you are Christian or not.
God created us with such deep emotions and He knew that they would all be used and felt. Being angry is just a part of the grieving process. Having said that, God is also right by your side ready to give you rest and comfort, ready to listen to you as you express your anger, frustrations and your great loss over your precious son,Beej.
Always know that the Higgins family will forever remain in my prayers, trusting that our Lord will meet all your needs, both physical, emotional and spiritual. You are so loved, by so many, we are family, the family of God.
May God bless you and comfort you as only He is able.

In His Love
Linda Ronne

At 10:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Deanna,

Oh, my heart aches for you. I cannot read your words without tears in my eyes. I am still praying and will continue to pray for all of you. May God hold you all extra tight tonight and in the days to come.

With Love,

At 11:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so thankful for your posting. It help us all know how to pray more specifically and I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to write to you specifically, as a mother to a mother. There is a special bond between a mother and her children and I cannot imagine the loss you are feeling? My heart breaks for you. I know it must be hard for all of you to go back to your daily routine but my prayer is that the "sting" of BJ not being here on this earth will subside and the healing will begin. The analogy that comes to my mind is that of a deep wound/cut. It really hurts or stings initially but over time it begins to heal and the sting fades. After the wound is completely healed, a scar is left, reminding you of what happened. There will always be that "scar" on your heart of losing your precious son but again I pray that the "sting" will subside. We continue to pray for you and your family. Daily, I continue to share the story and the impact this has had on our family. I love to sit and listen to the stories Brooke shares and the insights she had of BJ. Just tonight we(Brooke and I) were talking about my sunday school lesson for the youth girls tomorrow and it was talking about how God made us out of clay so that it would be obvious if we accomplish great things, HE would get the glory (had God created us with perfect bodies and flawless character, it would be difficult for us to see HIM in our lives!) Anyway, God created us to bring glory to himself, not glory to ourselves. The author continues to say God showed her a simple truth "I will not share my glory with another." Our human flesh wants to bring glory to ourselves yet what Brooke saw in BJ on the mission field was BJ glorifying God. She said he was so humble. She said that when they would share things at night about the amazing things God did that day, BJ would never share a story about himself or how God used him, but would always share stories about how God used his teammates. WOW, I just love that, because that is why God was able to use him!! Brooke told me I could share this with you because she doesn't get on the computer much, however, she wants you to know the impact he made. Praying for you tomorrow.
Kayla Rice

At 11:35 PM, Blogger a schmaltzee life said...

Deanna....and fam!

words seem silly...i wish i was there to just sit and "be" with you all... it was so great to get to listen to your heart when i was back...
there really aren't any words that help the situation...but i pray that you are soothed knowing how many prayers are being lifted up for you guys... i'm praying it will sustain you...and you will feel God's arms holding you when you feel as if you can't go on!

I'm praying you can find rest on his lap...and you will hear him singing his love song over you!
I'm hoping you ...brent and the girls are finding solace in some worship times together...i can just hear lauren and whitney singing and playing the piano and guitar...i can see brent in the rocker hands raised...and you in the chair...eyes closed...i pray it washes over you and comforts your heart...

After Blues and Nina were pregnant (before Devin)...and the baby nite at a worship service when Blues was leading worship...he shared that God had given him the picture...that during worship is a time when he is joined together with his baby in heaven... because in heaven they are enthralled with worship for the KING...and we join in that worship when on earth....offer up worship to our KING! It was comforting for him to think of being united that way... maybe you will find comfort in that picture as well!

I love you guys and I'm praying always....

ps...brent..i loved your blog about your mom & gave everyone such a great pic of them and their relationship with bj...and probably inspired some grandparents to savor the moments!

At 12:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deanna, Thank you for sharing your struggles. I ache and cry with you, as I lost my first son, but certainly not in the intense circumstances that you and your family went through. And I have had other losses as well. I can identify with the pain of seeing life around me going on as "normal" while still hurting and grieving deeply. One thing I learned was that it is truly OK and normal to grieve, and even to have the overwhelming feelings of not wanting to stop grieving! But oh, you and your family have been such an encouragement to me. Your pain and grief, your questions and even times of anger, are perfectly normal. Keep reminding yourself that God is in control even when things seem out of control, that God is always there even in the times when you feel oh so alone, and that God always understands even when it seems that no one else does. There are many who do understand and identify, but when you are hurting deeply and missing your precious son, it's normal to feel that your situation is impossible for anyone else to understand.
I am so grateful to you and your family for sharing with us, your prayer partners and partners in grief.
As so many others have expressed, I feel like I know you and that I knew BJ because of all the ways you've shared from your heart...and from BJ's heart by sharing journal entries and testimonies. Thank you, thank you for giving specific things for us to continue praying about.
God has the victory and He is victorious, even through death and pain.
I will not stop praying for you and your precious family.

Pam Reagan (Ashley's mom), Bixby OK

At 12:19 AM, Blogger Aunt Maralyn & Uncle Ray said...

Tonight Uncle Ray and I went to the Church where Gregg is the Worship Leader. As we entered the people that knew who we are, came right over to tell us they had been praying for all of us and were continuing to pray. Gregg shared about BJ and our time back with you and BJ's celebration service. When he finished they had special prayer for your family. It was a loving and a comfortable feeling to know they are lifting you up in prayer.
Words seem so meaningless at this time, but you are contiually on my mind. I am praying for you and am so thankful that you have kept up the web site. People all over the world are praying for you as much as they prayed for BJ.
Again much love from Carlsbad,
Aunt Maralyn

At 12:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Higgins,
Even though I have not blogged for quite a while, I have been checking the site daily and praying for you often. You are all on my mind so much and I know there are so many out here, who may not blog that often but are praying much for you.

At 12:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please know that you are being lifted up to the Father...Not many moments go by in the day that I don't think of BJ and how much you have gone through.

It is most important that you continue teaching. There are so many other kids out there that need you...You have the opportunity to reach out to those who don't know Christ and to continue what BJ has started.

I pray that the God of peace will touch your heart, today...

Remember, "Two are better than one."
Susie Alexander
Muncie, IN

At 12:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, yes, we're still praying! The Lord brings you to mind frequently. So many things make me think of you, and that naturally leads to prayer on your behalf.

The depth of BJ's writings, as well as so much that you all have shared with us through this incredible journey, has challenged me on many levels.

Tonight as I was reading John Piper's "Don't Waste Your Life," (is anyone counting how many of us are now reading, or have recently read that book due to the influence of this blog?), I thought of you all when, in a section titled "Wasting Life by Running from Pain" - something of which I am definitely guilty - he quoted some verses from my favorite chapter of the Bible: "Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison" (2 Corinthians 4:16-17). Before I got to his explanation, my heart cried out "But what the Higginses are experiencing isn't 'slight,' it's horrific, and it's not 'momentary,' either, it's permanent!" Then the author said: "'Momentary' refers to a lifetime in comparison with eternity. 'Slight' refers to suffering and death compared to the weight of everlasting joy in the presence of God. This is what we gain if we hold fast to Christ. This is what we waste if we don't."

Perhaps you will find at least some small comfort in knowing that BJ's influence, and yours, continues to change lives.

Anne (Marion)

At 4:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for your heartfelt e-mail. I am so thankful that you and your family are not trying to bypass the grief process. Even Jesus--the Son of God--wept for Lazarus. We will continue to pray for you as you walk through this shadowed valley.

Fort Wayne

At 8:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I could not respond yesterday as I simply did not know what to I prayed. Please know that you are very close to the hearts of so many people. Your family has been grafted in to the lives and everyday moments of a huge body of believers. I pray that Jesus will comfort you in every stage that you go through. I truly can't imagine your grief or heart aches for you. May the Lord shine upon you today and always. May His favor and comfort be with you, and may you find joy in the morning!

Lori Burkert

At 8:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I continue to pray for your strength...
God Bless
Greenfield, Indiana

At 9:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

May the Lord bring you joy in sharing BJ with others. There are so many who want to know more and so many who need to know more. Find comfort in the memories that you can share with others. God didn't just choose BJ for this journey, He chose you.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord . . . plans to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11

Your loss will hurt for a long time, but God can bring joy in sharing his story. It amazes me how God can bring joy in the depths of despair.

My prayers are with you. God has chosen an amazing witness in you.

Tonna M

At 9:51 AM, Blogger the leaf family said...

Thinking of you this morning, will be praying for you as we are worshiping our Lord this morning...
With all our love and prayers from KC-Scott,Tracy, Michael and Sarah

At 10:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always.
Beth Thomas

At 10:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

the higgins, i'm praying for you all and hope that everything goes ok in house of the higgins. you all are still and will be forever in my prayers. thanks for keeping everyone in touch.
liz stum

At 10:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

as a mum and grandma i weep with you reading the last two entries. keep being real

At 11:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I have not posted since the day BJ died, but I check the website daily. I do not have the words express how my heart goes out to you. I wish there was something I could say or do to make the pain go away. My heart is heavy with grief like BJ was a nephew of mine. Please know that every time I think of you and your family I say a prayer for you.

Carole Hutto Guevara
West Monroe, Louisiana

At 11:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are in my prayers always.

At 12:49 PM, Blogger Lynn Andrews said...

Dear Deanna,

I know it has been said so many times here, but I have to echo the sentiment because it is so powerful. As a mother, my heart aches so much for you. I don't say that to diminish Brent, Whitney, or Lauren's pain - it's just that I understand a mother's love. I have a friend who lost her 25 year old son (her only child) almost a year ago in a terrible car accident. While I don't know that kind of pain personally, I saw her struggle just trying to hang on - one breath, one moment, one day at a time. She knows the Lord, and thankfully, just let Him carry her through the darkness. My husband told her one time - "there will be light again, but you have to be here to be able to see it". I only relate this because having seen my friend's struggle makes me hurt so much for you.

I pray that the Lord will hold you tenderly and give you the strength and courage to go on - even when you feel like giving up.

Sending so much love your way! I really like what Lori B. said above about your family being "grafted into the lives and everyday moments of a huge body of believers" - that is so true and exactly how I feel.

Love and prayers to you, Brent and the girls,

Lynn Andrews
Macon, GA

At 1:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Father in Heaven,
In the name of our beloved Saviour and Lord, Jesus Christ, I lift up to You the Higgins family. They are in need of Your comfort, Your provision, Your very Presence. I know what it is to lose a dearly beloved one that I cannot make any new memories with, so I feel there pain over losing the close fellowship with BJ here in the physical world. We know that BJ is with You and for the confident and sure hope we have of seeing him again someday, we are most grateful; however, we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with us. He knows our pain suffered in the loss of fellowship with our beloved and so we cry out to You, Father, to comfort us all who have lost dearly beloved brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, our friends in Christ. Since we are no longer able to hug and kiss our beloveds, we ask that you hug and kiss them for us and to tell them that we love them and dearly miss them. Oh come quickly Lord Jesus! Come quickly and bring us all to You and restore us to all our loved ones who have gone before us to Glory. Until that great Day of the Lord Jesus Christ's return, we look to You, the Author and Finisher of our Faith, to comfort us, to equip us, to provide for us, and to use us to advance Your Kingdom on the Earth and to inhabit our praises of You, our Great and Awesome Lord of All. We love You and long for Your return. Even so, come quickly, Lord Jesus. Amen

At 2:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

BJ showed us not a perfect young man, but a young man who was fully devoted to following Christ, a young man who definitely didn't waste his life (yes, I'm rereading the book, too--John Piper should probably post a link to this blog on his site!).

Brent, Deanna, Lauren, and Whitney--we are grateful to you for showing us the same thing--not a perfect family, but a family who is fully devoted to following Christ. Thank you for sharing your struggles and pain as well as your blessings. We are so grateful for a Savior who identifies so closely with our weaknesses--yet without sin--and is there to lift us up,

to Him!
ever praying in pink,

Pieper family
Charleston, SC

At 2:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You don't know me but your son went on mission trips with my older sisters school Hannibal LaGrange College and I prayed and prayed for him but I cried when i heard he had died.

At 4:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think of you and the family numerous times during the day. I have never met you, I only know about your family and this situation through your cousin, Becky Higgins (missionary to Russia). It is so wonderful when the body of Christ cares for each other, whether or not we know each other. Someday we will all be together!!
Know that you are being prayed for as you all start adjusting back into the activity of life.
With thankfulness for the comfort of the Holy Spirit!
Hilliard, Ohio

At 4:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Susie Alexander

At 5:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I continue to pray for all of you, each and every day, and Trust God with you for each new day.

Thank you for continuing to share your heart(s) with those of us who check the site daily, as I believe the Lord is still using it. Of course, He no doubt continues and will always continue to use BJ. I can't express in words the way God has used each of you in my life, and I'm sure I am not alone...

Denver, CO

At 7:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yesterday I went to my cousin's piano recital which was a private one, and held in her parent's home. Following the performance was a time of visiting and refreshments for the invited guests. During a visit with a couple of ladies, I shared a few things about BJ...his committment to Christ even at a young age to the present. I couldn't share all that I knew from my reading your daily blogs, but I did share.
I thank you for continuing to share. It is good to keep sharing about him. We out here in blog land are willing to listen, too.
I pray for you often.
God will keep you in the middle of his righteous right are on top...not under it!!!
He will help you all to be brave in the storm.
Take care...Cyndi in Lakewood CO

At 10:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Deanna,

With a mother's heart, I hear so much in your words. I wish I could just hold you and cry with you. I know that our precious Lord is doing just that and ministering to all of you as only He can. I pray that, when you feel the time is right, you'll consider having BJ's writings published. Thank you for sharing him with us through this web site. I look forward to meeting him someday.

In bonds of Christ's love,

Rev. Gail Whitmire
Middletown, IN

At 10:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Mrs. Higgins,

My heart is hurting for you right now. I am sitting beside my 5 yr old little boy watching Cinderella, thinking how do you go on? But I know that the Lord is holding you like never before. My son is still thanking God for BJ during every prayer. I pray that during his pre teen and teen years he reads BJ's journal and is challenged by his example.
I will be adding more time though during prayer to help heal your heart, and for your future class when you return. I wish that I had some way of taking y'alls hurt, but all I can do is pray. I feel like I should share the old hymn that is ringing in my head right now. Love Lifted Me.
Praying your day is better today.
Because of HIM
Your sister in Christ,
Nicole, Eagle River, Alaska

At 12:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Brent, Deanna, Lauren & Whitney,
I am still amazed at the way all of BJ's story is and has been so far reaching. It boggles the mind, until you remember that God is in control and does things in a really big way. I am still praying for you all as you start back to your old lives as you knew them. However, just as all of us, life as we knew it...might not really be that again. We will forever be changed by BJ and your family. WE just love you so much and will continue to pray for you.
Love, Sandy Calhoun...(hurley)

At 11:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praise God for the strength he's giving you as a family....and remember, BJ would not want you to sit home counting holes in the ceiling tiles. There's God's work out there to do, and since he can't be here doing it - he left it up to you to continue.

Thanks to you as a family for continuing the website. It's a true ministry to many out here, and our office reads it daily - sending their prayers your way.

In HIS grace........Donna White

At 2:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Higgins Family,

I have been reading this site and keeping you all in prayer for some time. I can only continue to pray that the peace from God that transcends all understanding will continue to guard your hearts. The youth group from Christian Fellowship in San Fernando Valley has been keeping you all in prayer as well. Thank you for being so real and honest in your writings, and for sharing BJ with all of us. All glory to God for the way He has used BJ to to touch so many.

In one Body,
Hazel Cue
Los Angeles, California

At 4:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deanna, I think I know what you meant when you said: "At times I'm even angry that life goes on for everyone else - everything seems perfectly 'normal.'"

I felt that way when my father died! I remember vividly being the the grocery store one day and wanting to scream: "How can you people grocery shop like nothing has happened?! Don't you know my father has died?! The world is no longer normal!!!"

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Betsy Fladung

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Help me Dude, I think I'm lost..... I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw him in a car lot yesterday, which is really strange because the last time I saw him was in the supermarket. No honest really, he was right there in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender". He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a San Diego cosmetic surgery doctor ,to fit into those blue suede shoes of yours. But Elvis said in the Ghetto nobody can afford a San Diego plastic surgery doctor. Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger. Then I'm gonna go round and see Michael Jackson and we're gonna watch a waaaay cool make-over show featuring some Tijuana dentists on the TV in the back of my Hummer. And then he just walked out of the supermarket singing. . . "You give me love and consolation,
You give me strength to carry on " Strange day or what? :-)

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