Friday, January 26, 2007

When you start over, getting to know people is a process that takes time. I’m thankful for a husband and patient adult daughters who listen and care so much. Yet today I had an opportunity to have a personal conversation with a few ladies at school. It’s happened a few times, so I know Sapulpa is special and God put me there on purpose.

When people say to me “I admire you for going on,” I have mixed feelings.

I appreciate what they are saying. I like that they are acknowledging my grief and my loss. It is indeed… devastating. It is so much more healing to hear these words than for people to not talk to me at all. I know it’s a terribly vulnerable and uncomfortable subject and words are inadequate. I know these words are an effort to encourage me. I also know they are really not able to imagine losing a child, and who would want to try anyway? It’s an unnatural reality that none of us want to have as our own.

If I did not go on, what would I do? It wouldn’t bring BJ back. Unfortunately, nothing we can do or not do will bring him back. From his perspective now, he surely wouldn’t want to come back. It’s a ridiculous train of thought, yet we miss him, so we keep wanting to bring him back.

I want to argue that I don’t really have a choice, but I know I do. I could isolate myself, let the bitterness in, wallow in self pity and be angry. Those choices are not too far from my imagination, yet I pray against the temptation to give in to them. I know they would be very self destructive and cause even more hurt in the family.

Because I choose to press on, do I love my son less? It’s an unfathomable question I know, but still, grief is not always logical. In my heart, I know we would dishonor BJ and his memory if we didn’t forge ahead with whatever God has for us.

Thankfully, God has allowed us to see His hand working through people all around us because of BJ. Brent recently received an email from a college student speaking of BJ’s influence in her life, and she never knew him. She simply read the website, namely, his journal entries. It’s the biggest comfort we have been afforded. BJ’s life has made and is still making a difference. It’s an incredible blessing to receive.

I guess I can hardly wait to hear the whole story, you know, like Paul Harvey’s “the rest of the story”? What was happening in the heavenlies through our six week journey in the hospital? What was and is God thinking anyway? Our perspective of God and how He works is getting stretched for sure, but I’m positive we still have no idea.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways, My ways,
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is My word that goes out from My mouth:
It will not return to Me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”
Isaiah 55:8-10

We can trust His Word. We can trust His ways. We can rest in Him. We can rest in His purposes. He is all knowing and wise. He sees beyond what we see. He holds our hand when we are discouraged and don’t understand. He listens when no one else will. He hears our cries and sends help just in time.



At 7:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a beautiful expression of love! Of love for your son, but mostly to our Lord. Since you opened up "pandora's box" by saying you like to know the influence your son has had on others, just let me write a "brief" synopsis since the day of BJ's celebration of life ceremony. I have been a believer since a child, however, I was not living my life for Christ, nor did I have the all encompassing feeling of the Holy Spirit living within me -- until that day at that service. I left that service as a new believer and have not stopped thirsting to know my Lord and walk deeper and deeper in His will. I have given my testimony about BJ to many, many people -- some unbelievers. They too have come to know Christ. My family (which is HUGE), is now talking about our faith in ways I never thought imaginable. We do bible studies and go to services and read to each other and pray for each other. Christ is being glorified by more and more people every day through the work of your son (and your entire family, by the way!). GLORY BE TO GOD!! And as for this blog, it inspires me everyday to seek Him further. I thank you, Higgin's Family, for bringing me a new understanding!
Vicky Ward

At 12:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beautifully written Mom. Thank you for not giving into those dark temptations. Oddly, this blog world has come to depend upon the words written here for inspiration and support. Odd because many started coming here to inspire and support you in your journey. This is how I see one way in which the Lord has honored BJ and the faithfulness of your family.
May I make one comment? You do not dishonor anyone when you grieve your loss and wish BJ back here. You are simply being human. You DO honor the Lord and BJ by choosing each moment to live for today and not in the circumstances of yesterday. Praying for you all daily. \o/

At 1:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a great post, Deanna!! I am always awestruck and deeply moved by your family's honesty! But if we weren't honest with our feelings, where would we be? And who would we be helping in the long run? Nothing, and nobody!! Your loss is unimaginable to this mom, but your pain is taken in and prayed for constantly. And we lift all Praise to God for all that we see Him doing in your lives, for all that He is going to do, and for all the goes unnoticed except by Him!!! Your family is a blessing, a gift from God, and a true measure of what our daily walk should consist of. The daily ups and downs and struggles, but the not giving in and giving up!!!!!!! Your son has touched my heart in so many ways, there are no words. Every time I put my 2 year old son to bed, and we pray, and I watch him, I cry out in my heart to God to let him take Bj's place someday!!! Your family has been chosen for a time such as this, and God is moving mightly through you!! Oh, all the things that we do know that is happening in others lives because of your family is amazing, but I can't wait to hear of all the things that we don't know about when we get HOME!!!
May God continually bless you, keep you, guide you, carry you, comfort you, and fill you!

Linda Anderson

At 3:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you. Your writings each day are such an inspiration. Thank you for continuing your son's ministry and sharing your lives with us even though some of us do not know you.
May God bless you and give you sweet peace in your heart.

At 5:45 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

Deanna, What a blessing to hear from you today. How God has and is using you.

None of us could ever try to imagine the feelings and emotions that run through you each day, but we are so thankful that God is your strength and your refuge.

I'm sure many can tell you of the change in their hearts and lives because of BJ.

I just want to tell you that through the blog I learnt what it is to truely seek the face of God on behalf of others and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Through both yours, Brents and BJ's writtings we have learnt what it is to give our lives over to the Lord fully, to trust in Him 100%, to never give up, to press onwards and upwards. But what strikes me the most is the love that pours from both you and Brent, both for each other and for others, those that you have not yet met, or those that you may not know well. Regardless of your knowledge of these people that come together here on this blog you so willingly step up to the plate, so to speak and speak life and love into the lifes of so many others.

It is a blessing to so many to know that there is a safe and loving enviroment to come and rest in the Lord.

May He continue to guide your steps and light your path.

In His Love

At 8:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have never posted before but I have checked your site amost daily since hearing of BJ's story before his death. His story though I never met him has impacted my life. I am not sure if you know this but I was on Wikipedia just wasting time and was looking at the info for Mercyme and BJ's info is on Wikipedia. I thought it was cool it was on there and wanted to share. The like is
God Bless

At 12:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deanna, great to hear from you! Missing you, Stacy


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