Pastor Tito and my brother, Brad, in Peru.

I find myself wondering these days, if the Lord finds me as dependable as I need to find those around me. So much of what I do depends on other people. It is far too easy at times to find judgment in my heart, when there needs to be love, compassion or grace.

When I grow frustrated with what at times seems to be a lack of real surrender from others who say they will do something, but lack follow through, I find myself looking at my relationship with Christ, and wondering if I give Him reason to look at me that way. Do I say one thing, and practice something else?

So many want to do the right thing. Lots of people say things like, "let me know if I can help." How many times am I that person, that then fails to put any real action behind those words?

Sometimes, the fact that I need to depend on others frustrates me a great deal. I enjoy interacting with them, I just struggle with being let down. I know I've talked before about letting your "yes be yes" and your "no be no."

I hope and pray that the choices I make in life do reflect this attitude. As a believer, I damage the reflection of Christ others may see, if I say one thing, but practice another. In effect, I am reducing others view of who Christ is, by saying I am a believer but then I go out and live for myself. Making choices in the moment...promising one thing, and then changing my mind to suit my own needs regardless of what commitments I may have made to another.

This kind of thing certainly doesn't happen all of the time. When it does happen, it can be difficult to deal with. I am far from a perfect person. I continue to make stupid mistakes in my own life. Why is it that the mistakes of others are always easier to see?

I am thankful once again, that I serve a God who extends me grace and tries to teach me to do likewise. I'm pretty good at receiving His grace, I'm afraid I have a ways to go at giving grace.

This is one of the things I miss a great deal about BJ. He always seemed to have a deeper understanding about the need to receive and give grace. He spent his life giving it to others. He was a great model for this.

I'll admit, it was frustrating at times to see him be better developed in this area than I was. It came so naturally to him, because he had learned to be so surrendered to Christ.

"I surrender all."

I say it. I may even sing it. But do I really mean it? Does my life show it? It certainly needs to...for His sake, for the sake of others, and for my own sake.

dad