I don't know how to not be sad. I can fake it pretty well, as most of us can, but I don't know how to not be depressed. Keeping busy helps, diversions help, spending money seems to help, at least temporarily, but only temporarily.

Brent and I are living out why it is difficult for couples who have lost a child to stay together. It's easier to be angry with each other. We have kept the anger somewhat under control in that we just don't talk. Sometimes the discouragment we feel is directed toward the other in a subtle comment. You know subtle. It's in our society everywhere - half truth jokes, half hearted attempts at kindness.

Is it because we're tired of trying? Tired of crying? Is it because we've said all that can be said? Is it because we just don't want to move on? These questions among many others we must figure out.

I think we're afraid. I know I am. Yet I know who to turn to. I know the Savior is there waiting for the dawning of our dull and impatient minds to remember that God is with us. He's holding my hand every step of the way. He's shown His graces over and over. I have to keep looking for them. We know He directed us here to Tulsa. He prepared and walked with us in N. Africa. We know these things yet we doubt. We hold on to our fears. We hold on to "this is just not the way it should be." I don't know how to let go. It seems so wrong. Everything is wrong about life without him. I know in my mother's heart I will always miss him and I feel that a part of me died with him.

We continue on. We must. I don't want to continue on in a cloudy haze, going through the motions of life in a paralyzed state. I don't want bitterness and anger and regret to be my choice. I've always thought of myself as an encourager and I want to be that again. I know I can't do it on my own.

As He always does when I take time to look, Jesus gave me a scripture to hold on to for today and when the sad moments threaten to overwhelm. Isaiah 30. The heading in my Message Bible is "God Takes the Time to do Everything Right" God, the Master, The Holy of Israel, has this solemn counsel: Your salvation requires you to turn back to me and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves. Your strength will come from settling down in complete dependence on Me... God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you. He's gathering strength to show mercy to you. God takes the time to do everything right - everything. Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones. Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you'll find it's grace and more grace. The moment He hears, He'll answer. Just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, He'll keep your Teacher alive and present among you. Your Teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right. This is the right road. Walk down this road.

Right now I have time to read and relax as I wait for what He has for me here in Tulsa. Brent and Whitney are gone right now and Lauren and I are free! It's a rare time for us. I am prayerful that we savor the moments and stay present for each other. Thank you Father so much for this time! Take the anxiety away and replace it with trust in You, once again.

Love,
Mom