Recently, I was thinking back to the nights we spent in the hospital. Being in that place and trying to sleep was a bit of a challenge. I have never struggled with sleeplessness, but in that situation I came close.

My friend Big John, gave me his iPod during much of the stay, and the Lord used that to minister to me in depths that I did not expect. For much of my life, I gleaned more out of worship than I did the message, in church. During this journey, the Lord sustained me and the hope I had in Him through worship.

Friends gave me sermons on suffering, and other topics while we were there, but I could not listen to them. I could not focus. Worship, on the other hand transported me to the Throne room
of my Savior. When I laid down at night, or when I was alone during the day, I would listen to the songs of the redeemed, and be encouraged.

BJ was encouraged during this time by worship as well. I'm sure you remember me telling you about placing the earbuds into his ears and cranking the volume on some of his favorite Christian music. That came with positive tangible results. I could relate to him on that level. I could not possibly know what was tracing through his mind at other times, but during worship, I felt as if I knew what he thought, for I had worshipped beside him many times, and we had discussed worship on multiple occasions.

That God cared enough about me to minister to me at significant depths through worship during those days is no small investment. I remember falling asleep to some of the most Christ exalting lyrics and music I had heard. Some I would play over and over. I'd put the song on repeat and listen as it portrayed exactly what I was feeling. I could not sing it out as loudly as I would have liked, but that did not keep me from letting go.

I surrendered my son to Him during worship and prayer. I had done so years before, but saying it when he was not in a life threatening situation, and meaning it when his life was on the line are two different experiences. I knew I was not in control. I knew Jesus was.

I knew the desire of my sons heart was to glorify God, and to see others come to know Him. That Beej wrote so much about love, and laying one's life down for that love was something I would not discover until later. However, his life reflected what his words portrayed. He was consistent. Would that my Lord could say that about me and my life.

Do I really care? Is my life consistently pointing to the Savior, regardless of what is happening? Have I learned anything through this?

I truly hope so. I can say that the Lord has begun a change in me. I still passionately love worship, but He has given me a new hunger. What I was not ready for during that 6 week journey and even after, I now thrive on.

My iPod is loaded with sermons. Deanna's iPod is as well. We don't have all the same messages or speakers, but God has placed a deep hunger for His teaching within me, that is not easily quenched.

Two of my daughters from North Africa last summer would routinely ask me to teach them something. I never felt worthy of that request...because I am not. However, I know who is Worthy, and He continues to fill me, and give me a lust for His Word and teaching. That same short term desire that gets me into the Word and teachings, finds a home at the Throne of the one who Loves. It resonates within my soul, and clings to the precipices therein until such time that He would allow me to let it go, to flow back out.

How precious is my God who loves me like that! I Praise Him for investing in my life again today!

dad