I feel as if I'm holding my breath. Waiting for the unknown. Concerned over what is ahead. Yet the nature of my concern is based in the past. Focused on a date that will always be important to us, yet we do not look forward to it's arrival.

A date that remains difficult to mark. One that has us wondering whether to plan things or just be.

Last year, I was in San Antonio away from family on this day. It was amazing how God moved in that time. This year, we will all be together once again, plus one. It will be good to come back together.

There is no question that this needs to be a time of celebration or thanksgiving. There is no question that celebrating is far from my mind. Sometimes, wounds hurt too much and you lick them not because it helps, but because you don't know what else to do.

I have been gathering pictures together for an upcoming event. I did not expect photos of such joyful times to find me without.

I am looking forward to being with my family.

Seldom do I sit and count the cost. Usually, I am so in awe of all He has done with this journey, that I cannot help but be amazed. I am afraid that bitterness remains around each corner, even now.

The truth is that the pain from this blade never seems to retreat. The razor sharp edge has dulled with time, but dull blades leave uglier results.

I know He is still here. I know He would have me rest my head in His lap. Would that He'd embrace and hold me until this moment...this eternity... passes.

Nothing else seems worthy of attention just now. The book of Ecclesiastes is far too vivid.

All that throngs and wells within me has no place to lay its claim. Emptiness is at my grasp. Black and white memories jerk past like an old 8mm film. The experience seems so intangible and unkind. Where is the depth and breadth and girth his presence. Only in His presence.

How does one draw near to that which has gone?

Only by His amazing grace.