Monday, September 22, 2008

I feel as if I'm holding my breath. Waiting for the unknown. Concerned over what is ahead. Yet the nature of my concern is based in the past. Focused on a date that will always be important to us, yet we do not look forward to it's arrival.

A date that remains difficult to mark. One that has us wondering whether to plan things or just be.

Last year, I was in San Antonio away from family on this day. It was amazing how God moved in that time. This year, we will all be together once again, plus one. It will be good to come back together.

There is no question that this needs to be a time of celebration or thanksgiving. There is no question that celebrating is far from my mind. Sometimes, wounds hurt too much and you lick them not because it helps, but because you don't know what else to do.

I have been gathering pictures together for an upcoming event. I did not expect photos of such joyful times to find me without.

I am looking forward to being with my family.

Seldom do I sit and count the cost. Usually, I am so in awe of all He has done with this journey, that I cannot help but be amazed. I am afraid that bitterness remains around each corner, even now.

The truth is that the pain from this blade never seems to retreat. The razor sharp edge has dulled with time, but dull blades leave uglier results.

I know He is still here. I know He would have me rest my head in His lap. Would that He'd embrace and hold me until this moment...this eternity... passes.

Nothing else seems worthy of attention just now. The book of Ecclesiastes is far too vivid.

All that throngs and wells within me has no place to lay its claim. Emptiness is at my grasp. Black and white memories jerk past like an old 8mm film. The experience seems so intangible and unkind. Where is the depth and breadth and girth his presence. Only in His presence.

How does one draw near to that which has gone?

Only by His amazing grace.


At 11:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sitting, waiting with you friend.
Mark \0/

At 2:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

God Bless,
Greenfield, Indiana

At 9:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband went to heaven two years ago and I am now left with three little ones. He was sick for awhile and finally it was time to go home. Since then, I've decided to make his memorial something to look forward to since it is a celebration that he stands before Jesus and God everyday! I thought of making trips to places my husband and I always wanted to go or visit and that I wouldn't tell the kids until the day of so that each year they can be in anticipation of the memorial. Hmmm....I understand the mixed feelings. Though each day I envision what my husband must look like without the pain and in pure joy with Jesus and God. It sure puts a smile on my face.

At 10:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Each time I come to this place I am touched by the hand of God. Not only by the words from Brent that paint clear pictures in my mind, but also by those leaving comments. The idea from the woman who lost her husband, WOW! What a great idea! Higgins Family - you are in my prayers. This blog has brought me so much peace and comfort. I received the first plea from Bart Millard back in Aug/05 to pray and to log on, I did. I have been blessed ever since. My mother-in-law passed away 3/9/05, BJ on 9/26/05, my mother on 3/24/06, our dog on 5/7/07. Through it all I can come here and be comforted by the words of a family that has been through so much, yet uses THE FATHER to comfort all of us! I praise God for your family and this blog family. Always in my prayers and thoughts, until we all meet in Heaven.

Your sister in Christ,
Shelly Bennett
Noblesville, IN

At 12:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sitting, waiting, and praying with you as well.

At 1:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you, for your willingness to expose your heart to share your son's message. Who will take his place? I will...

May God bless you and keep you, may He shine His light on you and comfort you in a way that no one else can...

At 5:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will take his place too.

At 9:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey family..

always thinking of you during this week. well really - thinking of you always, but those thoughts are always a little more perky during these weeks.

I have been remembering him differently this year than ever before. The Lord is continuing to use his testimony to bless and shape my life.

I am praying for you always. I am excited about this time that you will be blessed to spend together...

Thank you for continuing to be transparent with your hearts and minds.. it is refreshing.

i love you. i miss you. and i am remembering with you...

See you in November!



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