Thursday, June 30, 2011

The office is quiet.

I don't like it.

Teams have dispersed around the world. All are on the field but a couple of us. Those who usually make the most noise, are out serving.

It can be hard to feel you are a part of things when you are in a quiet office and the people you interact with are already believers.

Perhaps I should welcome the noise reduction. There is an edge of pleasantry to it.

Nope, I like the din of activity.

This is not too dissimilar from transitioning to a suddenly empty nest.

Deanna and I do enjoy the time we have together each day, but miss the sudden eruptions and volatility that children tend to bring to our current solitude.

It's quiet at home. It's quiet in the office.

With all the noiselessness, I should be able to get a lot done.

It's not happening. Apparently I need the noise to be productive.

Perhaps that is why I stayed up past midnight a couple of nights ago, driving my bride crazy, while discovering the 'noise' some of the apps on my phone will make. She kept laughing at me and telling me it was time to go to sleep. I wanted more noise. I still do.

Sometimes I am desperate to hear the noise of his perpetual conversations. It's coming up on six years, and it seems like we lost him yesterday. I just cannot believe it. I am inspired by his surrender. I long for him to lean on me again and call me "Poppy."

There were times it was just noise to me. Not any more.

When I reread his words, I hear his voice. It stirs something in me. A longing that has consumed too many seasons without expression.

To many, he is a face on a book alongside Macchu Picchu. An inspiration for a song never released. An example of 'how we should then live.'

To me, he is memory, and unforeseen dreams. A twinkle only relevant to a few. A longing deep within me that elicits unanticipated emotion. A joy. A searing pain. Love.

To my Savior, he is a warrior. A "kernel of wheat." An ever present worshipper. A love worth dying for.

It's too quiet.

I miss him.



At 10:58 AM, Blogger courtney. said...

Hi! My name is Courtney and you have no idea who I am, but the story of BJ and your family have left a lasting impression on my heart. I recently spent some time in Peru on a mission trip, where I learned about "I Would Die For You" from one of the locals. I was incredibly excited to come back to the States and read it.

From the moment I read, "Make yourself comfortable - and then allow the Spirit of God to make you just the opposite," the Lord used every word on the pages of the book to speak to me, to break me, to transform me.

Because of your love for the Lord, because of your obedience in the way you raised your children, because of your legacy that you are leaving behind, I will never be the same. Thank you for being such followers of Christ and such Godly examples. Thank you for sacrificing the most intimate details of your life and sharing them with the world.

May God continue to bless you and your family.

Because of Him,
Courtney :)

At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Hannah Houston said...

I hope the father of BJ is reading this. I went to a church camp called SuperWow a few weeks back and Afshin Ziafat was the speaker. He told us about BJ and his amazing faith. I had been a Christian, but hearing his story inspired me to share my faith to another youth member. God had been putting it on my heart to pray for someone, and after months of struggle with it I wanted to give up. I had know clue who I was praying for or why they needed prayer. After that sermon, a boy in our group was saved, and he stood up and told everyone in our youth group about his constant struggle with his parents being ill. I
knew then that God had put me in his life to pray for him. After that we sat down and talked about things and we still call each other and text about our day. I still have him
in my prayers along with his family. Without your son's story, he wouldn't be saved and I wouldn't have had faith to keep praying. I decided that I loved helping him and wish to do it more. I will be going to high school in the fall and hope to become an evangelist. Like I said, your son got me here. I really think there are more stories out there and your son was the leader of them. And of course the Lord started it all!
God bless.

At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never met BJ but when I read the book I felt like he was next to me telling me of all the great times he had. I am only thirteen but I want to serve as BJ did and make a difference. He really Inspired me to be uncomfortable for Christ. Even though there are very few of us who read the blog regularly, I am thankful you still keep updating. You have really changed my life and you have indirectly helped many more than any of us will ever know. You help me stay a Christian in this cold world.

At 3:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's been a while since I've visited your site. God felt it was this ungodly lead me back here. Once again you've touched me with your openness. Once again you've convicted my heart to appreciate the "prattle" of my kids. Thank you. You, and BJ, continue to touch lives.

At 3:24 AM, Blogger kristin said...

I'm obviously behind on my blogging, but in the early morning hours today, this one brought tears to my eyes.

My mom and I were recounting an event from the summer of 2005 and I confessed that I didn't really remember it. She said, "It's because you walked in that night and bawled on the counter about BJ."

I, too, am in disbelief that it's been 6 years. I am grateful for the impact of his life on so many. But I will always be emotional at the thought of his home going.

I always love you guys. I always miss you. I'm crying with you for the next month.

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