This new week finds more changes in our lives. My girls and I try to go back to school/work, while my Deanna will forge ahead here at home for a time longer. What we seek is that new level of "normal" that so many of you have written about. What we leave behind, will never stay behind, but will always be carried close, and will hurt intensely for a long time to come. As his family, we don't want his memory to ever fade. As believers, we do not understand what our Lord is doing, but we know that it is a new thing.

Beej was a very ordinary young man, who had an extraordinary calling on his life. I was afforded many of the same opportunities when I was his age, but never ventured anywhere near his level of depth or understanding of spiritual matters...but neither did I hunger for the lost to know Christ, or long to spend hours in the Word. At least not until later in life.

BJ's primary struggle in life was with pride. He understood how it interfered with his ability to be in communion with Christ, and how that translated to difficulties in sharing Jesus with those who sought Him. It pained him deeply to be so focused on himself. This was a stronghold in his life, that he did not realize was present until his first trip to Peru in 2004.

He dealt with the pride issue, and the Lord did strengthen him in his weakness, and did use him. BJ's love for Jesus, caused him to yearn to serve, and get out of the way. The intensity of these feelings caused him to pen the following:

"I look in the mirror to see what God has given me and I find myself staring at the embodiment of pride. I swell up, then breathe out; I'm trying to depress the esteem building up in me. Like the world I find myself corrupt and empty. I imagine the ones I am meant to seek to reach, as they stare into my eyes and at my face and see no relief from the gray that they're trying to escape. I look at my life and all I see is unmet expectation. Why do I take pride in this? Tear me down to build me up. I have become so corrupt. I cannot see your work for me, I turn away and wait for another day. I refuse in my heart and in my soul the one thing I know makes me whole. I will not worship, yet think I know everything that You would show me. Why do I take pride in this?

I blend into the empty crowd, seeking what I've already found and showing not that I am full, my joy is gone and all I want is to be whole again.

Take my pride and help me find the joy that You put inside the day I felt a jump and life began. Wake me up from my nap and take away the Christmas wrap; reopen my gift that I may find the peace and joy and love I left behind."

God was faithful to His servant BJ. He was restored, and used of the King. I am proud of my son. As a brother in Christ, I am awed at his understanding, and the fulfillment of his calling. As his father, the intense pain that abides within me, cannot be measured, but has never been approached by the previous losses of grandparents, aunts/uncles, not my best friends death, not even my father, who I loved dearly and miss tremendously. It is searing. All encompassing. Oh how did my Father God give His one and only Son, for me. I am unworthy of this pain.

The Lord God is our Healer, and is holding us in His hand. We know this, and seek Him hard as we endure. We count ourselves blessed that the Gap remains full.

Thank you beloved,

dad