Monday, January 09, 2006

Father,

When do I begin to get past this crucible of suffering? I understand your taking my son... it was for your glory! How do I carry on? How is life ever to be lived in the fullness of joy? At what time can I begin to feel without the searing pain of his loss? He is in my every thought and desire. I see his face everywhere. I see his legacy before me, and behind me. I am thankful for who he was in You. Is it proper to say "who he is" rather than "who he was?" I know he is there with you Lord, abiding, loving, worshipping, at your feet, learning from the mind of Christ, the mind of God the Father. How incredible that must be.

When do we carry on? How do we move on? When will You make Your will known to me? How long do I hurt so deeply? Is this my lot, to abide in the deepest of loss and pain? Is this how You felt when You gave Christ? Was it a moment, or was each moment an eternity?

Oh God, protect us from ourselves, and the things that filter into our minds... surely it's from Satan. We only want to bring You glory. It can only happen in our extreme weakness. I have little else to lay at Your feet.

When will we raise up a revolution? When will we fight with our swords unsheathed? Too many of us are on the loose with our swords nowhere near the ready. They are locked, even rusted in place... in their scabbards, secure and sedate. Teach me to raise up the warriors You seek, to loose them on the world. The lost world bound for hell, unless we rise up and fight for our King!

How can we continue on with church like this? The lost cry out! The martyrs cry out! Our bodies are far too pleasing to us while noone else can be drawn in. What we have created is not appealing. Somehow we have lost our passion for you, or we veil it in a cloak of hypocritical, religious holyspeak, and practices that only serve to glorify us, while we dilute the message of the Cross, and chase away all who are in want.

Lord Jesus, raise up a generation who will fight! Who will lay aside the world and it's enticements. We cannot play like this is a video game. We must fight, for we are in a war. Help us to discern the difference between the two. Change our hearts, and draw us to the battle lines. Send us into the fray. Jesus Christ is worth it! We must rise up Father, show us how... for only by Your strength and might will it be done!

So Be It!

Your child

24 Comments:

At 8:25 AM, Anonymous Marissa Balog said...

Your blog really moved me. I have been feeling down for a while because nobody seems to care that people around us are lost and we don't help them, not even me at times when I know this. It feels like we are on the verge of a battle for God and that we should be preparing. Still praying.
-Marissa Balog

 
At 8:27 AM, Anonymous Brittany Di Salvo said...

Amen.. what else can I say? I feel the same passion that you do, and long to do something about it. I had a dream about you this morning.. maybe I'll tell you about it some other time, but for now I am with you in rising up One Generation Under God.
Thank you Lord for this passion.. but more than that, show us what to do with it. Send us out, prepare us God. We need Your boldness.. and don't let us miss the point. We're doing this for You but we're not doing it without You, no matter how much or little we "feel" Your presence with us. Bring unity in Your church. We are most definitely on the frontlines, and we are standing next to each other - so let us not become distracted by silly things that try to come and divide us, because it is then that we will fall. Lord this isn't going to be easy, but You are worth it.. You're worth our lives and You're worth our praise. Thank you for this family, the Higginises.. Everything that comes their way is bring the best out of them, instead of the worst. I am amazed to see the ways they turn to glorify You no matter how much pain they are experiencing. Lord I want to do the same, unashamed, and I want to fight for You.

 
At 8:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh how I long to take away your pain. Just know that our lives here on earth are but a pinpoint of time on the timeline of eternity. You will one day be with your Father and your son FOREVER!

 
At 8:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Habakkuk 2:3 - For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger John said...

How great is our God that even in our distress and even in our sin and weakness he is here with us. Lifting us up, guiding watching over and protecting us. You are in my prayers daily. I know you will continue to be a light to many through your faith, please know how you've touched my heart. I don't even know you, but your blog and your faith inspires me daily. As to your prayer... All I know to say is Amen.

 
At 9:28 AM, Anonymous Cedarburg Tina said...

Praise God from whom all blessings flow...and the strength to get through each day that only God can provide.

May you feel the peace of His love abundantly today.

Blessings, Tina

p.s. My sister, Sue, was just diagnosed with a brain tumor that they will be doing surgery on later this week...prayers for strength for her, for the doctors and for her full healing. Thank you.

 
At 9:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh how Satan does try to lure us to the way of the world -- and how our God brings us back with a vengence!! So many are being brought to the Lord, yet there are so many left to reach. By reaching even one, they too reach for one and it happens slowly, but surely if we keep His Spirit alive in our lives everyday. Through our pain and suffering, through our joys and accomplishments, through HIS glory. As BJ struggled with PRIDE, so does all mankind. When are we boasting, when are we ministering, when are we sharing for Him or for ourselves . . . it is hard to distinguish at times. When I share of my faith journey, am I boasting -- or am I glorifying what the Lord Jesus is doing in my life?? The point is, to share His glory. Share the pain, it does glorify God that you look to Him in your time of need!!! And by blogging, it shows a faith SOOO incredibly deep . . . that you would reach to Him even in the midst of grieving the loss of a "good and faithful servant." You are truly giving a gift even through your pain. BJ smiles down on this earth, knowing his family is starting a revolution of incredible magnitude . . . it truly is making a difference EVERYDAY!

Heavenly Father, we raise the Higgins family to you today in their time of deep seeded grief. We thank you for their gift to allow others to know the hope that comes from following You. We thank you for allowing us to see that even in the midst of our darkest moments, you are still holding us in the palm of Your hand. Thank you Lord Jesus!

 
At 10:00 AM, Anonymous Chelsea said...

I think it's awesome when people question God. I have entire journal entries that are a bunch of questions about why I was so lost in what God's plan was. Keep strong, your questions will be anwswered in God's time, which is the right time.

Chelsea Jacobson
Carlsbad CA

 
At 11:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is no right or wrong way to greive. There is one way to live - and your family is doing that! You are living for HIM! God bless each and every one of you. With much love, Zionsville

 
At 12:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amen. Even yesterday I was sitting listening to Rescue the Perishing by Billy and Cindy Foote and thinking along those same lines. "Have we forgotten the lost, the reality of hell?" It is so true. I refuse to forget. I refuse to stand by idly and watch as others perish. I will unsheath my sword for my King.
I continue to lift you and your family up. Know that the pain of loss never goes away, but eventually evolves into a newfound strength that can carry you through all things. I know it is hard now but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

God bless you,

Katie Kyle
Piedmont, Oklahoma

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger Lattany said...

Amen.

This hits especially close to home, today, as close friends (non-believers) just unexpectedly lost their twenty month-old baby girl. She had endured four open-heart surgeries, countless heart caths and other procedures, and was an ECMO survivor...and yet a simple g-tube (feeding tube) surgery would take her life?

I'm reminded of a quote by Elizabeth Elliot that has been a stronghold to me many times:

“If the only thing you have to offer is a broken heart, you offer a broken heart. So in a time of grief, the recognition that this is material for sacrifice has been a very great strength for me. Realizing that nothing I have, nothing I am will be refused on the part of Christ. I simply give it to Him as the little boy gave Jesus his five loaves and two small fishes--with the same feeling of the disciples when they said, "What is the good of that for such a crowd?"
Naturally, in almost anything I offer to Christ, my reaction would be, "What is the good of that? The point is, the use He makes of it is none of my business; it is His business, it is His blessing. So this grief, this loss, this suffering, this pain--whatever it is, which at the moment is God's means of testing my faith and bringing me to the recognition of who He is--that is the thing I can offer.”
(Elizabeth Elliot, Worldwide Challenge)

--------

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, Oh God, you will not despise." -Psalm 51:16-17

Lord, you ask for our all. Ofttimes, that "all" is my heart, broken into a million pieces. But you have said that brokenness is what you desire from us, and that when we are broken and humbled by our insufficiency is when you are most pleased. How sweet and comforting it is to know that you accept an offering out of a pure heart. When we're weak and crawl to you on our knees, offering our all -- a heart, broken into a million pieces -- You are pleased. Turn this brokenness into a mirror that reflects Your perfect glory.

Lattany
Fairfax, VA, USA

 
At 2:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Random ???: Did you ever receive the "Christmas from Heaven" ornament & poem?

 
At 3:42 PM, Blogger Lara said...

my friend and I are serving in Koeln Germany this summer, and we were discussing this summer, and she said something that has stuck with me, she said something along the lines of "whenever we do anything BJ will be in the back of my mind." It's true. Both of us never met your son, but I know this summer your son's words will always be ringing in our ears as we try as best as we can to help further the Kingdom of God. Not only his words will be there, but your whole family's as well.. - Thank You :)

 
At 5:22 PM, Anonymous Brian said...

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet,
though trials should come,
let this blest assurance control,
that Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
and hath shed his own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And, Lord, haste the day
when my faith shall be sight,
the clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
the trump shall resound,
and the Lord shall descend,
even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well with my soul,
it is well, it is well with my soul.

We know that through our pain, our Creator says it is well. Praise the Lord for you, Brent, for in your weakness, you raise up Christ's sword of strength and truth to fight and give God glory every day. You continue to inspire me in ways you'll never know!

 
At 5:27 PM, Blogger Nic and Jen said...

Amen. How deeply saddened I am when I read about your pain. How hopeful I am knowing that God will show His will in His timing. You are truly living for Christ. Your lives are pure evidence of Him. I somehow just don't have the "right" words to say. I was so moved when reading your blog. Everything you wrote struck a chord within me. I am without words. Know that you are being prayed for and loved.
Jennifer WA

 
At 5:40 PM, Blogger Praying in Pink said...

Our compassionate Lord Jesus prizes the despised and broken: a hated tax collector--a straying sheep--a woman caught in sin.

May the alabaster box of your pain become, through His grace, poured-out evidence of His glory. We long to lift you up--to wipe away your tears--but only One can do that. As we pray, we gratefully commend You to His wise and gentle care. He IS using and WILL USE you not in spite of but because of your suffering.

BJ was not the only grain of wheat--but thank you, Lord, that we know, even as we fall harshly to the ground, that we are continually "held."

with tender love and even more prayers,

Marti

 
At 6:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

my mother was killed in a car accident when i was 9 months old. now at 46, i get excited at the thought of reuniting in heaven. think of very young parents-what a long time they must wait. at all different times of my life i have missed her. it never stops, it never gets easier. but the pain lets you know you are still alive. let's you know god's not finished with you yet. if the pain ever stops-you'll be dead-your time will come. think of coach dungee's son-he could no longer stand the pain. but withstanding the pain is giving glory to god. i had to adopt, to save one child from the horrible pain of being unloved-my gift to god.

 
At 6:59 PM, Blogger *kim said...

Pappy, we had dinner with your mother tonight and I see where you get your sense of humor! What a wonderful, sweet woman. It is so good to have Lauren back, and to be able to spend some time with Mom, too. I don't know what words to offer you that you don't already know. I know you have your trust in God to deliver you; even as you shake with grief you hold fast to Him. I am continually in prayer for you. Much love *kim

 
At 7:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Still praying for you...
-- Kent & Amy

 
At 9:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My prayers continue to be with you. My friend, who was 26, just passed away on the 2nd due to complications with brain cancer. She was living and working in inner city Phoenix. I passed along your website to her parents hoping they can gain strength and encouragment knowing that they are not alone in their struggles with losing a child. I know that they too have already seen God work in many ways since Katy passed away. A service was held in Phoenix last Friday and her service in Indianapolis (her original home) is on Wednesday. Thank you for continuing to share in your journey.

Heidi
Indy

 
At 10:18 PM, Blogger HaleyKate said...

This is something I wrote after feeling what you have felt:

There are times when all I see is hurting and loneliness
I need to see You in this, tell me why I cannot see the good?
I gave you my wounded heart and you gave me your love
I came with nothing to offer and you gave me your son.
I screamed at you: "Do not be silent!" Now I hear you whisper:

I'm here. I never left you.
I know your pain and I see your suffering.
But I have not forgotten you! I have a marvelous plan for you
but you must wait.
For you are not yet ready but will be soon.
The magnitude of it this cannot be comprehended by you yet.
Wait;
for I am going to astound you.

Father, I hate what I see and feel but I am going to wait in anticipation,
in eagerness of what you will teach me.
You will show me new ways to love and to be loved.
My head tells me to be angry but my heart knows you
and has told me to be excited.
For through this test of faith I am going to know you so much better
and that is all I live for.
I give you all of me.
I know I am used and wounded but I give it all to you,
The good and the bad.
I will not let my past control me any longer.
You love all of me;
what is seen and what is hidden in shadows,
what I will not show others.
I care not what others think for I realize that to live for you is to truly live!
Thank you for this revelation!

Amen

 
At 10:36 PM, Blogger Lattany said...

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"
and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

-"Praise in the Storm," Casting Crowns

 
At 11:38 PM, Anonymous Carol said...

Big hugs. Still praying for your broken hearts in Arlington, TX.

 
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