Last year at this time, we were near family. Though it was most difficult to celebrate in the same way, we did celebrate. This year, we are far from our loved ones, and a full schedule seems to be the fare to keep from thinking too much about it. She has Bible study or other committment each evening, and then Friday night and Saturday we are moving.

Today is Deanna's Birthday. She looks so young it makes me jealous! We were in a furniture store last week with our family. One of the people we encountered struck up a brief conversation with us. They indicated they thought that Deanna and Whitney were sisters. For some reason, when they found out that she was in fact her mother, they would not believe she was also my mother. I just don't understand it.

Anyway, we went out and celebrated her special day last night, as the rest of the week is too busy. This birthday will be different for her. She will not have her children nearby. Truly what consumes much of her thought time is setting up our new home. We close on Friday, and begin to move that same day. She finds it difficult to set up our home without creating space for him.

We received a picture we did not have, over e-mail yesterday. In it BJ is wearing a Santa cap and is Caroling with other students at Chik-fil-a. While it is very exciting to get such gifts, it does cause the longings to work overtime. We spent time discussing it at dinner.

As we have shared, BJ had a tendency to be dramatic. As we ate our dinner, Deanna once again thought about BJ's words prior to going on that last vacation. "Mom, do you want a vacation or do you want your son?"

We had never vacationed together as just family without including spending the time with relatives. This was to be a first.

Beej knew he was not feeling well, but his symptoms did not warrant the extreme words he chose to share. In retrospect, she is wondering if he knew what was coming. She is wishing, as any mother would, that there was more we could have done.

The reality is that even if we had not gone on vacation, there was nothing that would have changed. He was already on an antibiotic, his symptoms mirrored flu/pneumonia which our children had experienced before, so the most that could have changed would have been arriving at the hospital a day or so earlier.

From our understanding, this would not have changed the ultimate outcome.

It is overwhelming to me that what is on her heart on her birthday is that she could not do more to prevent what happened. That she is setting up a home without regard for his needs. The grieving does not end because this much time has passed. It continues to come in unexpected torrents. Please lift her up today, her birthday. I love her so.

She cannot read this website at her school (which is why she never writes) and we do not have the internet at home (until we get settled in to our own home) so she cannot read this. She is too busy this week to come to my office to read, so if you are so inclined to send her birthday wishes, you can reach her at dhiggins@sapulpa.k12.ok.us

Have a blessed day!

brent