For many months we have had an overwhelming sense of purpose. I suppose we knew this day would come, but its arrival is no less unwelcome.

The last months have stretched into over two years, as we awaited the release of this book. It could not come quickly enough to suit us. We were so very anxious for such a long time. Our lives seemed to be a collective gasp as we drew breath in and held it, awaiting the inevitable, not really knowing what that would be.

A month after the book is released one cannot tell very much. This is very much like living our lives for Christ. We walk along in obedience wanting to serve Him well, but not really knowing what impact we may have as He shields us from the positive impact, lest our heads become full. We understand why He works this way, but it doesn't keep us from coveting the knowledge of what He is up to through us.

Somehow, we believe that if we could see the impact He was having through our lives, it would all be worth it. The truth is, at least for me, it becomes more of an intoxication accompanied by addiction.

I need to be satisfied that if I follow Him in the obedience I am called to, that I do not need to see what He is doing with that. Loving Him and being loved by Him should be enough.

Being human, the hunger for more abides.

Yet over time, more is required to reach such aretes and the joy in Him is too often lost.

I knew the day would come that when the book was out, and I had followed Him to where He led my family to minister, that the exhale would begin. I find myself a bit lost in its current and unsure what to grab onto as it's expelled.

There has been such a tremendous sense of purpose for the last months and that has been welcome. Now that many of those things have come to pass, it is a bit more difficult to abide. It should not be this way... the apparent way of the flesh pressing through His purposes, demanding attention. This is not what I desire, but still it seeks to force its way in.

My focus needs to remain on Him and not ego-centric needs. It's just that being human and therefore a seeker of gratification, it often comes more swiftly in tangible results.

With improper motivation, tangible results yield short term joy and that is not what I desire.

I just want to want Jesus, not the fluff of worldly promises wrapped in insatiable, carnivorous appetite.

Father, please help me to keep my eyes on you today and to seek Your will, not mine.

dad