My mindset when buying groceries has changed over the years. It started in college and it was just me. I got the cheapest, fewest items I could get by on. When we got married I tried new recipes and wanted to impress my husband... yeah right. In a few years, we had a baby so the grocery list included diapers and formula. As our family grew, so did the grocery bill. When all three children were home, I'd regularly buy 3 gallons of milk a week. Now, we can scarcely drink one before the expiration. Maybe I should buy a half gallon?

I always went to the store with the children in mind. We got into a routine (OK, a rut at times) because of the children's preferences - Whitney and BJ are quite picky about what they like. The children celebrated if I got a "special treat." Well, we can hardly live without desserts every once in a while. When I was a kid we rarely had dessert unless it was someone's birthday, so maybe that's why I have such a sweet tooth. My kids do too. We kind of lived by the adage that "chocolate is always a good idea."

After BJ died, I couldn't eat anything sweet for about a month. My stomach had a sick feeling much of the time. Something had happened to us too unbelievable to accept. It wasn't supposed to be this way - maybe I'll wake up from this nightmare. I was shocked and overwhelmed with sadness and physically sick to my stomach. Food was a nuisance and sweets were out of the question. I wondered how long the feeling would last.

The six week stay in the hospital and following BJ's death, I ended up not cooking for about 3 months. It's the 1st time in my life that I have tired of eating out. Our wonderful friends at Northside and FBC provided for us for a long stretch. Going to the grocery for the first time after not cooking for so long was a difficult day for me. This past year when I went to the grocery I'm thinking of BJ - what he likes, what he will eat, snack on, special treats he will appreciate. As I think of this last year, how thankful we are that we had the opportunity to focus on just him for awhile.

I remember the day vividly: I was in the frozen pizza section and the tears started to flow. I always got one supreme pizza for Brent and I and a plain cheese one for BJ. That day, I got a cheese pizza anyway. There have been occasions where we've eaten foods in memory of BJ, with bar-b-qued ribs at the top of his list.

Brent has since teased me about the cookie jar. He thought I was the one who ate all the cookies. Now, even our cookies don't disappear as quickly as they used to...

As we continue to miss and mourn the loss of our BJ, we pray that God will continue to strengthen us for each new day with new decisions to be thankful not irritable and resentful, to be joyful not angry and bitter, to be passionate not apathetic, to be generous not selfish, totally surrendered, holding nothing back. Thank you Father, for You only are worthy. Thank You for Your grace and protection and provision for our every need.
Mom