Thursday, January 05, 2006

Mark Schultz' song "He Will Carry Me" has been my song of choice the last few days. It is very affirming and an encouragement.

The chorus: Even though I'm walkin' through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone and I am wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me.

Bridge: Even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm.

Thank you Father. He is faithful to carry us and see us through the storm. We see His hand at work and we rejoice that God is moving in so many, with our son as the catalyst.

However, we are still working through some anger issues. I still get irritable way easier than ever. Often, my patience is short. I don't know if I could be functioning in any other school district right now. The students are absolutely the best and the staff and parents have definitely been there for me. Thank you Zionsville.

But, we still don't like living without BJ in our lives. I don't think it will ever feel right. Brent and I still are cycling through the stages, more like waves of grief, and it's not pleasant. This morning on the way to school, I lost it passing by Monrovia High School. I used to drop BJ off on my way, I'd give him lunch money and he'd give me a kiss and we would part with "have a good day."

We keep coming back to the sovereignty of our God. He alone is in control. He sees the whole picture that we only see in part. How dare we be angry with God for taking something from us? We deserve nothing. What we do have is a direct blessing from His merciful hand. I thank God again and again that we were able to have BJ for 15 years! We got to see God do amazing things through him! We got to love him and train him and talk to him and walk with him every day. We got to see beautiful fruit in a child we bore. We'll miss him till we see him again, but we'll continue (I pray) to be thankful in our sorrow while we wait expectantly for the Day.

There are a lot of voices out there we listen to every day. My prayer for those reading this is that you hear the "Voice of Truth." Don't let the evil one remind you of all the times you've tried before and failed. I'm quoting another song, it's so poignant. Casting Crowns is the group. Here's the chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says "Do not be afraid"
The Voice of Truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will chose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth.



At 9:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Deanna,

Thank you for again teaching me through your pain. Thank you for your open and honest sharing but also for the reminder of God's sovereignty.

I was talking to a friend in Houston last night and she told me that her daughter has been called to full time missions. She has been attending the Passion seminar. God continues to build His army. May we all live to glorify Him with our own lives and in surrendering our children to Him completely. Thank you Marti for sharing the new info from Awe Star. God is obviously at work!

Love and prayers,

At 9:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deanna -- It is amazing the amount of strength you have to log on and share your grief, your memories and your struggle to combat the stronghold of lonliness without your BJ. You glorify your Lord in ways that most of us inspire to do as we grow in our walk with Christ. Thank you for sharing.

I don't think you can possible truly understand how much you are ministering to others on glorifying God. I don't think you can realize the magnitude of love and prayers that are lifted for you and Brent and the girls everyday. Please know that you're still in my prayers, also. I love you, Higgins family. Glory to God!

At 10:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Deanna...we continue to pray for your sweet spirit and strength as you cling to His sovereignty. How GREAT to know that He is indeed the one holding on to you. The mommy in me simply can not fathom all you are going through - only drives me to my knees again & again for you. My prayer today is for many hugs through God's people to you...we love you!


At 10:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Deanna,

Thank you again for sharing your heart with us. Your faith is so amazing. Praying for you, Brent, Lauren and Whitney. May the new year bring you comfort and peace.

At 10:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The song says, "I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God". Your sharing with us your journey through the valley has encouraged and inspired us all. We wish we could be with you and your family to be able to phyiscally help you. But what we are able to do and will continue to do is to pray. You are always in our prayers.

At 10:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Deanna,

Thank you for sharing how difficult these days are. Sometimes we get a perspective that those we have such a strong faith foundation don't experience the human emotions that the rest of us feel and feel inadequate for feeling. But we are all human and suffer through the same feelings of loss and grief, no matter how strong our faith is. The key difference, though, that I think you are teaching others is how we must remember to feel it, but not live in the despair. Instead we must live in the glory and love of our loving Father's arms. He alone can see you through. And even though waves of pain will probably continue and catch you off guard the rest of your lives, the comfort of His loving arms is there for you, every day, every moment.

Peace be yours this day.


At 11:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for your constant reminders of holding our loved ones near us and to treasure the times we have with them. God continue to bless you and bring comfort through song...
Barbara Anderson
Fort Wayne, IN

At 11:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praise be to our loving God! You and Brent are such an inspiration to others and I know that BJ learned from both of you!! I pray that we would all listen to God's Voice of Truth in these days. I am so inspired by all of your family and I care about you all so much! God Bless!
Allison Q

At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Deanna, How I can relate to you not as the Mom but as the grandma..."Nikkis mema".Losing Nikki at age 14 the day before Easter last year was too painful for me.. and I have suffered for myself and for her parents and sisters and I guess all of our family who knew and loved our Nikki. Christ is my Savior and I have walked with my Lord for over55 years and I know Gods promises and I have faith as I know you and your family do yet It still hurts. I just realized this morning that I have been judging her parents standing with the Lord and doubting His ability to comfort them because of their lack of knowledge of him...How silly of me and how sinful to be so judgemental..Only God knows where they stand with him...Praying for comfort for our grieving hearts..Isnt wonderful to know that God cares for us so much that he saves all our tears in a bottle?? And when we get to our heavenly home there will be no more tears. Amen

At 12:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You and your family are still in my thoughts and prayers. You have all made a difference in the lives of so many. Thank you for continuing to share with us and may God continue to pour out His blessings on you.

Tammy in NC

At 4:23 PM, Blogger Ashley Reagan said...

Thank you for sharing that with us. I also have waves of anger and breakdowns, but I just have to keep reminding myself that it is all for the glory of God and that He will not give us more than we can handle on our own. May you find the peace in the hard times. I love you family!

hurting with you and praying for you,
Ashley Dawn

At 7:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

God Bless you...I just down loaded both songs to my collection. I immediately recognized them from WGNR Moody Radio. I can't imagine your pain, but I want you to know the difference your son, a total stranger to me, has made to my life. Keep on writing...I believe you and Brent are looking down the right path....Greenfield, Indiana

At 7:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

after reading that i relized i need to start chairishing the rides to school with my dad more-thank you. still contuining to pray dailyfor your and your family.

At 12:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Deanna:

I haven't written since the funeral but i think of you and your family often. We moved and have been off the computer for awhile so I'm overjoyed to see everyone still here. Im a newbie in Christ, and i have learned so much from you.Not only through your words and reactions, but thru your sharing your intimate life moments with us.I will start praying The Lord will show you a deeper understanding as each day goes by. May His strength carry you.


Paula Miller

Akron, Ohio

At 2:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Inspiration can be a powerful thing, it can keep you going when all around you cries out "quit" It is even more powerful than motivation, as motivation gives you the basic reasons to keep going, it tells you why you want to do what you do, because motivation is based on goals.
Link to this site: word of inspiration

At 5:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Family of BJ;
I am saddened by your great loss. Some losses in life are so monumental we are forever marked by them. However, I know that you are marked forever with the love and pride you had in your son and his life. He sounds like he was a wonderful boy and I am proud to hear that there are still young people who dedicate themselves to noble righteous causes. Praise God for BJ's life and the way he touched other's. I want to say to you that your son has never left, cause he was never fully here he was always part of something greater. Our life here is like a dream, the reality we have is located in another kingdom. God Bless you everyday to keep the precious time you had with your son as a memory that God gave to you the two most precious gifts he can give to anyone "salvation" and "a child". The old phrase "he is not gone, he is just away," is so true. I pray you can cope with your time of separation, and continue to rejoice in the fact that the next time you see your son, nothing can take him from you then. I realize from the bible that when we are in the presence of God we have no memory of what is going on here below because the magnitude of the glory of God's kingdom is so overwhelming that time passes by at rate we are not even able to comprehend. BJ is being awed, he is experiencing the most incredible journey he has ever been on, he is wowed by the place he is in, he is awed by the surroundings, he is excited beyond words at the members of the table he dines at, he is mesmerized by the light emanating from the host, he never had in this life showed such excitement as he is experiencing right now.


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