Wednesday, January 25, 2006

My mindset when buying groceries has changed over the years. It started in college and it was just me. I got the cheapest, fewest items I could get by on. When we got married I tried new recipes and wanted to impress my husband... yeah right. In a few years, we had a baby so the grocery list included diapers and formula. As our family grew, so did the grocery bill. When all three children were home, I'd regularly buy 3 gallons of milk a week. Now, we can scarcely drink one before the expiration. Maybe I should buy a half gallon?

I always went to the store with the children in mind. We got into a routine (OK, a rut at times) because of the children's preferences - Whitney and BJ are quite picky about what they like. The children celebrated if I got a "special treat." Well, we can hardly live without desserts every once in a while. When I was a kid we rarely had dessert unless it was someone's birthday, so maybe that's why I have such a sweet tooth. My kids do too. We kind of lived by the adage that "chocolate is always a good idea."

After BJ died, I couldn't eat anything sweet for about a month. My stomach had a sick feeling much of the time. Something had happened to us too unbelievable to accept. It wasn't supposed to be this way - maybe I'll wake up from this nightmare. I was shocked and overwhelmed with sadness and physically sick to my stomach. Food was a nuisance and sweets were out of the question. I wondered how long the feeling would last.

The six week stay in the hospital and following BJ's death, I ended up not cooking for about 3 months. It's the 1st time in my life that I have tired of eating out. Our wonderful friends at Northside and FBC provided for us for a long stretch. Going to the grocery for the first time after not cooking for so long was a difficult day for me. This past year when I went to the grocery I'm thinking of BJ - what he likes, what he will eat, snack on, special treats he will appreciate. As I think of this last year, how thankful we are that we had the opportunity to focus on just him for awhile.

I remember the day vividly: I was in the frozen pizza section and the tears started to flow. I always got one supreme pizza for Brent and I and a plain cheese one for BJ. That day, I got a cheese pizza anyway. There have been occasions where we've eaten foods in memory of BJ, with bar-b-qued ribs at the top of his list.

Brent has since teased me about the cookie jar. He thought I was the one who ate all the cookies. Now, even our cookies don't disappear as quickly as they used to...

As we continue to miss and mourn the loss of our BJ, we pray that God will continue to strengthen us for each new day with new decisions to be thankful not irritable and resentful, to be joyful not angry and bitter, to be passionate not apathetic, to be generous not selfish, totally surrendered, holding nothing back. Thank you Father, for You only are worthy. Thank You for Your grace and protection and provision for our every need.


At 8:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Deanna and Brent,

As I get ready to leave to be with my sister, I had to read today's posting, as I do every day. I think it is a perfect example of how no one can protect us/help us get through the every day, mundane things such as grocery shopping when you've experienced such a loss. Everything is affected. Prayers can be said, meals can be provided, tears can be shared, but eventually, our lives must go on and we must experience the every day moments that flood our minds with memories, good and sad and that drive us back to the only place that can get us through...our mighty Father in Heaven. I am sorry you have to be experiencing what you are but know that He will get you through. That one day, you'll walk by the frozen aisle and smile as you pass the cheese pizzas instead of cry, although that may be a long way off. That's okay. Gone doesn't mean forgotten...just as we, as His children, are not forgotten even when we are walking through a long, dark forest.

Blessings to your whole family and thank you, Deanna, for sharing such honest, human emotions with us.
Your sister in Christ, Tina

I will add Hollie and parents to my prayer list as well.

At 9:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deanna, you have a beautiful way of writing. Everyday that we have on this earth with our children should be cherished. So often, we dread the grocery, the drive to and from, the messy rooms and the little fingerprints that need wiped off daily. Your blog today reminds us to cherish the time and the ability to just be with our children. Thank you for reminding us to enjoy each moment with our children. I pray the memories bring more joy each day, with less and less pain to bear.

At 9:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't always post but I daily read your writings, share a smile or shed some tears and always lift you guys up to the Lord.

Tina said so eloquently what I want to say. It is my prayer that God gives you lots of smiles today and you feel His presence in a big way!


At 10:18 AM, Blogger natenamy said...

Lots of our memories of Beej revolve around food and sharing a meal together. It was sort of our "families" tradition that we would all go out for lunch together after church on Sunday! Precious Beej, with his eyes bigger than his stomach and his love of "very moist and tender meat". We miss that!
One of the difficult things about grief, is that you never know when it will hit or resurface or how long it will last when it does. I pray that when you get "hit" you will feel His presence in a very real and special way as you are "held" in His arms.
We are here for you and we love you,
Amy (and Nate-dog too)

At 11:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deanna- Thank you for your words today. The Lord is using this website in a wonderful way. Tina, Marti, and others thank you for your prayers and everyone on here who lifts each other up. There have been many answers to prayer here and I know that there are more to come. Thank you Lord for your watch and protection over each of us and let us be the example of God's love to others who do not know Him.

At 12:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deanna, I enjoyed reading your post today. You have such a way with words - and a different perspective as well.

At 12:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My children will be getting some very special dinners in the days to come. Thanks for the reminder that even the little things mean a lot in a child's life. We all love our children so dearly. We should strive to cherish them even in the difficult times.

At 5:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You continue to remind each of us of the things that we tend to take for granted. May the God of comfort continue to minister to you and Brent through each of these new awakenings amd memories. My heart is broken for you and my soul connected in ways I have never imagined possible.

Lori Burkert

At 10:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Wow. that was some post. I have been super emotional lately.. and if you remember.. that is not my cup of tea. There is a girl in my Bible class at school that is about to lose her father to brain cancer.. and she has already lost her mother to breast cancer. We had a prayer service/chapel for her today.. and it was quite moving.

THEN! to come to visit your site.. and wow. It hit me today that tomorrow will be four months.. my heart tells me that its been longer. My prayer for you has always been that the Lord would provide a way for you cope.. that the days wouldn't necessarily get easier.. but that everyday the Lord would just sustain you. Know that my prayers will continue.

i love you both immensely.. i miss you alot!


At 10:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brent & Deanna,
I have something I want to dicuss with you, and don't know how else to get ahold of you. Give me a call sometime.
Mark A.

At 11:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Deanna,
The last paragraph of this is a beautiful prayer at the time of any loss in our lives. Thank you and may the Lord encourage you today.
Carla S.


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