Thursday, January 26, 2006

Alas, plumbing the depths of agony in this loss is wearing very thin. I feel I have little else to find, and little else to feel. The incapacitating sadness is all I can seem to grasp these last few days. Where is the compassion that I used to have for others? Where is the "on-off switch" I long so much to trip? I do not wish to dwell in this place. There is no joy here. Is this a tabernacle I have created, that lets noone else in? Proverbial or otherwise, is there in fact, light at the end of this tunnel?

As I read about Joseph and Jacob, so many times before I have felt little compassion for him as he had eleven other sons, plus all of his umentioned daughters. Yet as I perseverate day after day about my own son, have I lost my daughters? Have they faded into the background of an angry sea, unwilling to yield them back? Do I love them any less? Would I feel any less pain had I lost one of them? Would my words be few, then?

I think not!

Joseph was lost to his father to serve the purposes of the Lord. After years in prison, he was elevated to an unfathomable position. En route there, "ABREK!" was shouted before him, as all were commanded to "bow down," to "take a knee," to "make way" for the anointed one! He was just a man, but he was fulfilling the lot the King of Kings had set before him.

Why would this position be granted to one so lowly?

What inexpressable disbelief and joy must Jacob have felt, so many years later to be told, YOUR SON IS ALIVE?! How then does one foot go in front of the other? How then does he regain the muscular control and sanity that must have temporarily left him as those words settled into his mind. How quickly would I trade his pain for mine... to see him again, this side of eternity!

Alas, it is not to be. It will not come to pass. There shall be no such ending to this story, though I would will it.

There is but one place to focus now. Cling to the hem of His robe as He passes by! White-knuckle grip on His presence, until He says, "What is that in your hand?" Release it, that you might be used, once again!"

"Yes, and this too shall pass." One day, or many, it too shall let go in severity, and life's full, many faceted colors shall return to restore full hue to all of its dimensions. I cannot see it, I cannot sense it, but do know the promise of my King... "and lo, I am with you always."

One foot in front of the other.

ABREK! Make way! Bow down! Take a knee! The Savior is here!

dad

30 Comments:

At 8:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I cannot express in words my sympathy for the ongoing grief you experience. I can only let you know that I am lifting you up to Our Lord and asking Him to guide you through the healing process. Asking Him to give you comfort through the beautiful women in your life, through your friends and through this "blog family" you have praying for you. Feel our embrace to you through our prayers.

 
At 9:00 AM, Anonymous Brittany Di Salvo said...

Thank you, dad. I wish somehow I could feel the grief that you do, only to carry it with you and so one more person would understand you. My heart goes out to you, as much as it can; as much as Christ will allow.

While my heart goes out, my prayers go Up.

love you guys

 
At 9:11 AM, Blogger *kim said...

Pappy and Deanna - Unfortunately I don't think I'm goign to get to see you this weekend when you come up and I am very sad about that. Pappy, I have not forgotten your hat, but haven't been able to get yarn and get started on it yet. I will try to do that before it becomes spring and it's useless to you. :) I know that today is 4 months and I am praying hard for you guys - today and everyday - to be blessed with God's presence that he will bring you comfort and grace and mercy and strength. You are amazing and you are supported by a body of believers who holds you fast in prayer. I love you *kim

 
At 9:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brent and Deanna,

It makes our hearts ache to read of the depths of YOUR heartache!
Please, please call us if there is any way we can be of help...

I'm sure you can understand how some people get stuck in the place of grief where you are now--it must feel absolutely unbearable!

We are thankful to know that you and the girls will NOT remain forever in these depths, that you have vowed to follow the King, and He will lift you out. We won't stop praying for you!

We love you so much,

Dan and Jolene (and David and Derek too)

 
At 9:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brent...I sent you an e mail this morning..as the Grandmother of our Nikki who died the day before Easter last year at age 14. I relate daily with your post...and I am only herMema..how deep the pain for you and Deanna as the parents..In Christ Love...Rona

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger Krista M. in Michigan said...

Brent,

First of all, my heart aches for you all. As I read each entry one or the other of you writes, I try to imagine myself in your place. Having a 15 year old son myself, many of your stories hit close to home. Imagining your grief is painful enough - walking through it must be unfathomable.

Yet, the way you grieve with hope keeps drawing me back each day to read more.

I'm fully aware that no words I can say or encouragement I can give will really touch that place in your hearts that aches for BJ. That's something only God can accomplish. Still, I have felt led to reach out to your family for the last week or so since I rediscovered your blog, and this morning seems like the time when that's meant to happen.

First of all, I want to let you know that I recently shared your blog site with about 225 people through our ranch's email update list. Already, I have heard from people who are being blessed by your story and your faith. I also posted your story on a message board that I help moderate, and people there are being blessed as well. I've already heard from people who have been changed by BJ's story ... your story ... God's story.

Secondly, God brought to mind a song that was a blessing to our family during a time of loss and sorrow. I think this is the time to share it with you. Hopefully you can find the song and actually listen to it if you've never heard it - the music is beautiful, as well. For now, though, I pray that the lyrics bring you a little bit of comfort.

Praying hard for you today!
Krista Meyer in Michigan

Something More (I Need to Praise You)
by Kristy Starling


"Everything's changed, and I want to believe
There must be a reason, there just has to be
Cause my faith is strong, till it all hits home
And it's not enough for me to trust
When it hurts too much

On the days I feel like I've failed you
The days I feel I've been failed
I need to praise You
For I am Yours, I'm Yours

Where is the power, to give what I gave
Give back the strength
Give back the faith I had yesterday
Cause you are my God
You are my Great I Am
And I know I have fallen but..
I have landed in healing hands

On the days I feel like I've failed you
The days I feel I've been failed
I need to praise You
For I am Yours, I'm Yours

And in my fraility, you lead me to something more
So I close my eyes, cause inside my heart
I believe, that I'm not alone
You'll always be there for me

On the days I feel like I've failed you
The days I feel I've been failed
I know that I need to praise You
For I am yours, still yours
Cause I believe you lead me to something more
Something more, something more..."

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger Rex Roberts said...

I'll admit to not being a good "blog family" member lately. I have never forgotten your situation, but I haven't kept up. I keep reminders in my office of BJ. Suzanne keeps things in her room and was talking about him just two days ago. Ya'll are never far from our thoughts. I have not been where you are in life. I do know that you still have many that are praying for your family and our hearts ache with you and for you. We still serve a living loving God that is right beside you.
Lord, make Your presence known today even more than yesterday. We know that you are there! We praise You even on the dark days. Thank you Lord for being who You are!

 
At 10:17 AM, Blogger NatenAmy said...

Sometimes "one foot in front of the other" is all we can handle, and I believe with all of my heart that God understands.
Just know that as you take one step at a time, we are here behind you, around you, and with you--praying, thanking, praising, and lifting you up to Him. We love you... lots.
Amy (and Nate)

 
At 10:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How deep is the Father's love for us!! I can't even begin to understand the depth of pain and the sense of loss you feel in such a time as this. I look at my own two boys each day-- well, young men now-- who each have been blessed with a passion for God and bringing glory to Him-- and I know that I would feel tremendous heartbreak and grief if they weren't here with us.
Several years ago, a young man-- the best friend of our oldest son Rob-- died in a car accident. Anthony was a beautiful young man, sold out to Jesus and he had touched many lives through his passion for God and the joy that seemed to just exude from him. I had so many questions for God and I guess I stll do today. But i go to Scripture and today, your entry remined me of King David's response at the death of his baby son in 2 Samuel 12:23: "But now he has died; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." This may seem a strange verse to some, but I see words of hope for David. First, He knows where his young child is-- he is with God in heaven. Secondly, he knows that he will see him again someday. That is your hope as well-you know where BJ is-- right at this very moment, he is with his Father in heaven-- and the truth is, he wouldn't want to return. He was created for a relationship with God and to fulfill the mission that God gave him here on earth. He glorified his Father and now he lives in that presence of glory forever. Someday, you will be able to see him again-- but for now, you are here to bring glory to your Father and finish the work He has called you to do. And it's only possible in and through His grace.

 
At 10:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus wept. John 11:35

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger Aunt Maralyn & Uncle Ray said...

My heart breaks with you. I wish I was there to just hold you in my arms. Words are futile at times like this, but know we love you so much and feel your pain.There is no way to feel the extent of your pain since we have not been in your shoes. We have been so blest as a family to be so close, when one is hurting we all hurt. I am so thankful for this.I know it is something not too many families have.
Love and prayers to you all.
Aunt Maralyn

 
At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

FAMILY!

I just had to comment this morning to support you in your time of need - I must admit that I've just come out of a 3 month long battle with the same things you've just described in your struggle! I was caught up in this horrible pity party of hating life without my Gramma - I didn't want to love anymore, because LOVE HURTS - I didn't want to serve any more because SERVICE leads to more LOVE and LOVE HURTS - I didn't want to be around people any more because I can't help but love those that I am near and LOVE HURTS! Well, it's right that LOVE HURTS - LOVE hurt for me all those years ago and so shall I take on the strength of my Father so that I will do the same and HURT for His people! Man, God is SO GOOD and I know you KNOW that, but I pray that you do not allow yourself to be attacked the way I've attacked myself - the guilt, the sadness, the pain - I've been SO HARD on myself and all God wants me to do is RUN TO HIM! Trust me, I'm SPRINTING! I pray you will be encouraged and run this race with ENDURANCE knowing that He is WITH YOU and that you are CALLED to greatness!

I love you, my dear family, and I lift my heart up so that your burdens may be carried by the one who says "Cast your cares upon me, for I care for YOU" (1 Peter 5:7). May your hearts be lifted up!

Also, Brent & Deanna, My trip to Awe Star was AMAZING and God is rebuilding in my life what I've let slip away due to my pain. I pray that your pain will be for the GLORY of God and that much fruit will come of it! We cannot have true compassion for people unless we've felt that pain and hardships - and maybe He is calling you to serve a people that have known NOTHING but that pain, so that your ministry with them will be effective for the furthering of His Kingdom. I pray your trip out to see Walker and the bunch will be a breath of fresh air to you and a HUGE encouragement! By the way, I met DJ (and his friend Cody) and was SO EXCITED - it was like meeting someone FAMOUS to me, except FAR better! They are 2 great kids! I loved my time there!

We all LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Lord bless you adundantly,

Laurel Lynn <><
San Diego, CA

 
At 12:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow...I can not imagine the pain you have felt throughout this journey. thank you for your continued honesty and realness when expressing your feels. It makes each of us feel a little more "real" to hear your story. As a parent getting ready to celebrate our baby's 1st birthday...i go home each day and hug and squeeze this amazing miracle and thank GOD that I have been given the honor of being a parent for just one day. Thank you for your bravery. I pray for peace for you and yours.

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger Praying in Pink said...

ABREK! He is here--so clearly on this blog--and it--as always--is good.

I share below what God immediately brought to mind on reading today's post AND on knowing that on this date, 16 years ago, I delivered a baby boy at 22 weeks' gestation--a baby boy born, like BJ and each one of us, to die. These words come from the Apostle Paul and a poet other than yours truly. . .

And he has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." (2 Cor. 12:9--my life verse!)

"He Giveth More Grace" by Annie Johnson Flint
(copyright Lillenas)

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;
To added affliction He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

His love has no limits, His grace had no measure,
His power has no boundary known unto men:
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

His love has no limit, His grace has no measure,
His power has no boundary known unto men:
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!

May He strengthen and empower you with His grace this day and every minute of every day. May He burst forth from the crucible of your pain with such power and brilliance that He forever illumines the darkness of a watching world.

Loving, praying, and praising alongside you--through the tears and because of the nails--

Marti

 
At 1:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you "Praying in Pink", I needed that today...Still praying for you precious Higgins family.

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger LisaTeegarden said...

I can hardly believe it has been 4 months already today. We prayed for you all (us) last night in prayer meeting. I LOVE YOU ALL, and think of you so much during the days...God is with you I know, and He knows what a heavy hurt you are feeling. I just pray that HE WILL continue to HOLD YOU ALL in His Loving Arms. We do have a wonderful loving family...like Aunt Maralyn said. Lisa ;o)

 
At 2:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amen

 
At 4:03 PM, Blogger savedbyGRACE said...

Dear Brent,
Your words are so bittersweet, I can hear your pain in them. I will continue to pray that you would feel CHRIST taking your burdens, pain, tears, & sorrow away; a weight lifted off your shoulders. I recently received my info from AweStar for N.Africa. As I opened the packet all I thought about was BJ. I know that just as he was on my mind & in my heart at that moment, he is always in yours. I pray that you would have blessed assurance knowing that he has affected (& continues to affect) people everyday, in their... your... my... weakest moments. Love you Family.
Love,
Layla

 
At 4:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I AM SO SORRY TO SEE YOU SUFFER WITH GRIEF. MY HEART ACHES FOR YOU. YOU HAVE TO GRIEVE THE LOSS OF YOUR SON AND THE LOSS OF YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS FOR HIM. I WILL PRAY FOR YOUR FAMILY. YOUR WORDS AND YOUR BLOGS HAVE AFFECTED MY HEART AND MY WALK. JUST REMEMBER EVEN THOUGH IT IS TOUGH GOD WANTS US TO LIVE LIFE WITH JOY AND ABUNDANCE. MANY TIMES WE WANT JUST TO GET TO THE END WITHOUT THE PRESENT. GOD WILL USE THIS TO TAKE AWAY THE WORLD'S HOLD ON YOUR HEART. WHEN YOU GO ON MISSIONS ,ESPECIALLY TO AFRICA, THERE ARE MANY WHO HAVE LOST CHILDREN AND BECOME NUMB. THE NORMAL FEARS OF LOSING YOUR OWN LIFE ON THESE TRIPS MIGHT BE LESS BECAUSE LESS IS HOLDING YOU HERE. GOD BLESS YOU TODAY AND ALWAYS.

 
At 4:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you as I read this. Praying for you and your family today!

 
At 5:07 PM, Blogger Kaeli Cockrell said...

im praying for you guy!

with all my love
Kaeli

 
At 7:11 PM, Anonymous Linda Anderson said...

Still praying in Pink for all of you. Thank you again for being so honest and forthright in your grief. I know that it helps to let it out and write it down. God is carrying you, trust in that. And you are truly loved by all of us.

Linda Anderson
Willows, California

 
At 10:55 PM, Anonymous kristin dutt said...

Hey Parents--

I listened to "Praise You in the Storm" today. i was moved. I so wish sometimes just to be there to give you a hug.. but i hope and think that you have plenty of hugs. But.. know that i think of you always. i feel as though my summer w/him.. and his death.. it kinda effects everything i do now. it has changed the way i think.. all of it. For that i am grateful..

Continue to pray for the family i mentioned before.. His name is Mark. They didn't get as much of the tumor as they hoped w/surgery.. and the surgery was only to prolong his life.. the only thing left is a miracle. They were moving to Cambodia in March to be missionaries. Its shaking them pretty hard..

I love you both ALOT!
Missing him alot today..
~kristin

 
At 11:50 PM, Blogger Barbara Ann said...

hey my family...

Its hard to believe how time goes on. Sometimes it passes even when we dont want it to, or even when we want it to pass so quickly, but lingers on so slowly.

I've been thinking alot about how God romances us. In the trees, in the flowers, in the sky with the clouds, a simple kiss on the cheek from the breeze of the wind... I look around and think wow God all this is for me, for us. Breath-taking, just breath taking.

Even when we were in the woods by your house, it was incredible. God was so much romancing us that day!

I pray that God would romance you so much today, and tomorrow, and the next...


being romanced by our God,

Barbara Ann

 
At 6:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My prayers are with you and my heart breaks for you!!! God has wrapped his arms around you and is holding you tight while you cry!! He knows exactly what you are going through.

 
At 10:23 AM, Anonymous Pat Davila said...

Just know, beyond all knowing, that we cry out for you and your family. That God would send His comforter to get you through these days when you feel so broken. We care for you. It is not enough to fill the hole that BJ left, but our praying hands are trying to hold your heart together.

Because of Grace,
Pat

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Eddie said...

Hi there, just wandering the blogosphere and I found your blog. I really enjoy how this all works.

This is one to watch.

Many thanks,

birdwatching birds

 
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