Alas, plumbing the depths of agony in this loss is wearing very thin. I feel I have little else to find, and little else to feel. The incapacitating sadness is all I can seem to grasp these last few days. Where is the compassion that I used to have for others? Where is the "on-off switch" I long so much to trip? I do not wish to dwell in this place. There is no joy here. Is this a tabernacle I have created, that lets noone else in? Proverbial or otherwise, is there in fact, light at the end of this tunnel?

As I read about Joseph and Jacob, so many times before I have felt little compassion for him as he had eleven other sons, plus all of his umentioned daughters. Yet as I perseverate day after day about my own son, have I lost my daughters? Have they faded into the background of an angry sea, unwilling to yield them back? Do I love them any less? Would I feel any less pain had I lost one of them? Would my words be few, then?

I think not!

Joseph was lost to his father to serve the purposes of the Lord. After years in prison, he was elevated to an unfathomable position. En route there, "ABREK!" was shouted before him, as all were commanded to "bow down," to "take a knee," to "make way" for the anointed one! He was just a man, but he was fulfilling the lot the King of Kings had set before him.

Why would this position be granted to one so lowly?

What inexpressable disbelief and joy must Jacob have felt, so many years later to be told, YOUR SON IS ALIVE?! How then does one foot go in front of the other? How then does he regain the muscular control and sanity that must have temporarily left him as those words settled into his mind. How quickly would I trade his pain for mine... to see him again, this side of eternity!

Alas, it is not to be. It will not come to pass. There shall be no such ending to this story, though I would will it.

There is but one place to focus now. Cling to the hem of His robe as He passes by! White-knuckle grip on His presence, until He says, "What is that in your hand?" Release it, that you might be used, once again!"

"Yes, and this too shall pass." One day, or many, it too shall let go in severity, and life's full, many faceted colors shall return to restore full hue to all of its dimensions. I cannot see it, I cannot sense it, but do know the promise of my King... "and lo, I am with you always."

One foot in front of the other.

ABREK! Make way! Bow down! Take a knee! The Savior is here!

dad