Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The furnace hums a distant prayer, and it's whispered in vain, through the vent. The blanket wrapped around me can't seem to ward off the growing chill. The weather outside is warming as the flowers of spring are offered through the dull brown hues, remnants of last years life. So why do I feel cold? Where is the icy mist rising from, that has captivated me?

Frigid is how I feel, packing away his things... pulling out his shirts, his pants, his socks, his jackets. It torments my emotions. It belittles hers too. Tears stream down her face as she gently puts his belongings in bags to be carried away. This just doesn't make any sense. It's bone numbing cold.

The warmth these walls previously offered are cooled with emptiness, loneliness. His closet grows spacious, his dresser echoes as the drawers are closed. In these difficult moments, his life seems to be summed up in what these bags can hold. Not enough! Not nearly enough!

The memories are rich and the vein runs deep, however. Each shirt brings with it a replay in time. The ones he wore routinely, now adorn the closets of his sisters and mother. The next 15 shirts are gathered into one bag. An offering from a friend of Lauren's to make a blanket from them, brings us a brief reprieve, as we wonder how the finished product might appear.

His socks... how pathetic. Most had to be discarded. He was so hard on socks. He never took them off. Even to bed they went. We often found them tucked deep beneath the covers, or hiding between the bed and wall. I'm not sure how it is possible to have your feet eat socks threadbare in such a short time. He knew.

We count it a blessing that though we despair of his loss, and must pack his clothing, we have friends who will put them to good use. They have six boys. The eldest two may be able to wear some of these things, the remaining four will, as promised by their father, "wear these clothes out." Somehow, that is an encouragement.

The trip to and from their home was a difficult one. Emotionally exhausted in moments. Saline drips that would not cease. I imagine this is part of healing, but it feels more like the scars have been ripped open. It's hard to breathe. It hurts so deep.

Lord, I know you are here. You must be carrying us right now, for I cannot sense Your presence. Thank you for loving me.

brent

29 Comments:

At 8:02 AM, Blogger brobrad said...

I pray that you and Deanna will sense the Lord's presence with you again as you deal with what must be one of life's most difficult chores.

May the refreshing of your pain only serve to glorify the Lord in some very real way. I pray that He uses it only to further His purposes and your own healing.

I'm praying especially for your time tomorrow in Bloomington - may His heart be made real through your own as you share with those who may not want to hear.

I'm lifting you up to the Father, the Great Comforter.

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger Praying in Pink said...

God has been so faithful to remind us to pray for you through this journey. Even as I hurt "alongside and from afar," I am encouraged as I realize how much He cares for you, through every moment of pain.

I know the Lord is allowing, and will allow, you to comfort others with the comfort with which He comforts you--even as you bag up the clothes and remove posters from the walls. Thank you for your unselfish spirits that make the difficult choice to bless others with those things BJ no longer needs.

As hard as it is, taking his room apart could never remove your son from your hearts or your memories. Praise be to God that BJ's legacy reaches far beyond those walls. EMMANUEL, let my precious friends know of your presence in intimate ways through this time. Speak peace to their hearts and let them know of Your enduring love along with our continuing prayers.

standing in the gap--in pink and with tender love,

Marti and the Pieper Family
Charleston, SC

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger brobrad said...

P.S. I couldn't help but think of B.J - and you - as I read in Job 32 where Elihu is speaking after Job's friends spouted thier foolish advice; he says:

"I kept thinking, 'Experience will tell, the longer you live, the wiser you become.' But I see I was wrong -- it's God's Spirit in a person, the breath of the Almighty One, that makes wise human insight possible...."

 
At 10:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lord, wrap your loving arms around this precious family and secure them with your love. Remind them of the Footprints poem and how even though they may not see your footprints in the sand or feel your presence in the grief, that you're right there carrying them through this.
We love you Higgins family!

 
At 10:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh precious Higgins family my heart is breaking for you. I too am currently going through something similar. I have been a faithful "follower" of your blog since MercyMe posted the prayer request for BJ on their web site. Your ability to paint pictures through words is beyond compare. I lost my dear, precious Mother 13 days ago on 3/24/06. Her death has left a very large hole in my heart and I am broken. The only thing that helps me make it through the day is telling myself that there is no way she would want to return because she is in Heaven with our Lord. She is no longer in pain, able to walk, able to catch her breath, able to worship like she never has before. It is heart wrenching to go through her belongings. God is with me and God is certainly with you. He is right beside you, leading you on. BJ is so proud of you for the work you are doing for the Lord. I know my Mom has met BJ and I am sure they are sharing stories. May our Lord comfort you. Just like the Casting Crowns song says, "Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth." He is there, rest in His arms. Thank you for sharing your feelings by doing so you are helping many going through similar situations, I know because you have helps me.

Love,

Shelly
Noblesville, IN

 
At 11:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"My precious child I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
Remember that I am still praying for you every day. May God be with you as you go this heartbreaking time.

 
At 12:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

First off - Shelly, I am praying for you!!!

Higgins family - I LOVE YOU ALL! I have to say, I was driving to work this morning in the rainy & accident torn freeways of San Diego when I look out over the bay and saw a rainbow! I immediately starting crying - the last picture my Gramma ever took was of a rainbow, the day we went to want my Uncle and his family be baptized. The brief discussion I had with my Gramma that day will NEVER leave me, she said, "What does God say about Rainbows?" and I told her, "He says they are a symbol of His promises to us" so she encouraged me to never let go of those words! It will be a year this month on the 20th and I don't believe this heart wrenching pain will ever go away - but, I do know that God is SO FAITHFUL to keep His promises to never leave us, to draw near to us as we draw near to Him, to comfort us, to bless those who mourn and to use our grief and pain for HIS GLORY in another persons life to comfort them and cry with them! Sometimes, I feel so lost without her, but that's when I have to bring the center of my Universe back to Jesus and the WORD! HE IS WORTHY!

I love you and am praying for you all!

In His grip,

Miss Laurel Lynn <><
San Diego, CA

 
At 12:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Our precious Lord, crucified on Friday and arose on Sunday. But that Saturday, What a long day that must have been. The precious Higgins family is going through a long Saturday. But always remember that the next day is Sunday. And what a glorious day that was!!
Brenda

 
At 12:58 PM, Blogger *kim said...

I cannot imagine how difficult this time is for you guys. My prayers are with you. Love *kim

 
At 1:18 PM, Blogger NatenAmy said...

All I can say is that we are praying... Can't imagine how hard this is for you, but I am glad that you can do this together. I pray that the healing will continue and that His presence will be ever near to you as you pack up and get ready to start your new adventure.
We love you and lift you up always.
Amy (and Nate-dog too)

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger Nic and Jen said...

Hi,
My heart breaks for you as I read your post. It is ok to feel this way, ok to cry, ok to grieve.
John 11:35 "Jesus wept." It's a comfort to know our Savior wept at times too.
Jesus is holding you right now. He will never leave you. He will keep right on holding you.
Jennifer WA

 
At 4:18 PM, Anonymous Brittany Di Salvo said...

Our God knows every rhetorical thought in me, and I pray that He would give you the peace you need.
You will remain unshaken. Praise God

 
At 4:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Lord knows your anguish and pain and He is right behind you, lifting you up. He knows you need these cleansing tears, as He also did on occasion. It is strange that we have only met electronically and yet as I prayed this week, I felt that same urgency and emotion, beginning Sunday, as I prayed for you just as I had felt last summer. I understand better now.

"Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God"

Mark, OH

 
At 5:21 PM, Blogger Linda Ronne said...

Brent and Deanna,

I couldn't post earlier this morning as the emotions rushed through me,I can't even begin to imagine your pain.

This has been on my heart and mind for the last week, the time when you would both pack up BJ's room. All I can say is that you have both been lifted to the throne room of grace constantly, asking that our precious Savor would lift you, and comfort you, that you would feel the touch of His hand upon you and His breathe on your faces as He gently holds you both.

Please know that you have the wonderful body of Christ on our knees praying for your comfort, strength and peace.

We love you

In His Name
Linda
Shawnee

 
At 5:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Mom, Dad, and Sisters,

Oh how I cry out to the Father on your behalf. It is only His grace that will see you through this time of transition. Remember, His hand is always with you and He knows how it feels to have His only Son die. Oh gently lay your head upon His chest and He will hold you while you cry and while you rest. Praying continually for all of you.

 
At 6:11 PM, Blogger Barbara Ann said...

Im loving you to the father right now. Praying and asking on your behalf, that God would ease, just ease you. I really cant say much. The Lord wants me to be still with you. So here goes...

love you...

Barbara Ann

 
At 7:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for the pain you are both going through as you do this most difficult task. My heart breaks for you as you pack up BJ's room.

I am praying that God amazes you with a clear sense of His presence in the hours to come.

Blessings,
Krista Meyer

 
At 7:56 PM, Blogger Ashley Reagan said...

I love you. *hug*

 
At 10:32 PM, Anonymous Cedarburg Tina said...

I struggle to find the right words to express what I'm feeling. I just came back from visiting a 95 yr. old friend of mine, he was a former minister who our family got to know at our church and who I visited often once he was moved to the nursing home. Just last week we shared sundaes from McDonalds and now he is in his last days from a bad case of pneumonia and heart failure. He couldn't speak tonight and yet his eyes said volumes upon seeing me there and hearing me say my goodbyes to him. At one point, after I gave him a kiss, he mustered up a pucker, something his children said he hasn't done for anyone, including them. And then I came home and decided I needed to go to the blog because I hadn't done it yet today and I check it every day. And then my heart, already sunken, sinks even more upon realizing the grief I feel is so shallow compared to what you are going through. But I know that our Father in heaven is comforting all of us, that only He can get you through these horribly emotional, difficult days. Please know that my heart aches, not just for my friend, but for all of you, and yet the morning will bring with it a new day, a new hope, and a new peace. He will get you through these days, as only He can...with love, comfort and strength and through the love of those around you. BIG, HUGE HUGS!!!
Tina

 
At 11:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have no profound words, but wanted to let you know I'm so sorry for your renewed, intensified pain. May God proportionately renew and intensify the comfort that only He can bring.

Anne/Marion

 
At 11:45 PM, Blogger Kevin Ronne said...

Joshua 1:5 "Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you; (B)I will not fail you or forsake you."

 
At 1:02 AM, Anonymous Jack Meils said...

I don't mean to be bothersome, but can you photocopy the things we put on that list, such as the songs?

Thanks,
and hopefully see you on easter.
Jack

 
At 1:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will carry you to Jesus on my knees.
Brittany

 
At 2:00 AM, Anonymous Your Daughter said...

i would be lying if i tried to offer some great words of encouragement--but all i can do is sit and cry right now. It doesnt seem real for me right now...thinking of a new team, not having the guys i am used to...and afraid to loose another-I want to see him. I want to have our team together again and...and i dont know. We sat in the missions house day before we came home...beej sat next to me. We had to go around the circle and 3 people could say something about each person. Beej came before me and i shot my hand up as fast as i could so i could speak. I wanted to encourage and thank him and let him know how much he meant to me the last few weeks. Then he did the same in return...his hand shot up just as fast as mine..:-) and he shared how is was a joy to watch me grow this summer...to see God teach me. Just how he delighted in me as his sister and seeing God move in my life--I miss that heart! I must say...i love the black salvation shirt that looks like nintendo. It was my favorite. I...want to smell him and be hidden in the Lord.

 
At 2:47 AM, Blogger Lattany said...

"This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive..." ["Held", Natalie Grant]

Carrying you to Abba on my knees.

Lattany
Fairfax, VA, USA

 
At 10:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Prayinf that Peace will flood your souls as the anquish is so deep. Love you guys!!

 
At 5:15 PM, Blogger Steph said...

I pray the lord shows himself to you though this difficult time .You are all in my every prayer,may he keep giving you strength,peace and hope.I LOVE YOU


MONROVIA's
StephanieTankersley

 
At 9:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't even imagine how hard this part of the closure is. My prayers are with you always and how I wish you didn't have to go through this part of it.

Debbie
Florence, KY

 
At 9:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I pray in faith and know that all is well.
Praying for others, I affirm that the healing, guiding presence of God is within us all and I give thanks for our spiritual oneness. Affirming wholeness, abundance, and peace for my loved ones, I have greater peace of mind about them.
To grow even further in my realization of God's presence, I pray for those I may not know well but whom I do know need to be supported in prayer. Turning within quietly, I renew my understanding of the universal nature of God and the divinity of all people.
I expand my consciousness by praying for all the people of the world: the citizens, business leaders, political leaders, and those in service to their countries supporting a world of peace.
Renewed in my own heart and soul, I pray in faith and know that all is well.

The prayer of faith will save the sick, Lord will raise them up.James 5:15

 

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