Trying to negotiate the perils of the anger side of grief is most humbling. I find I want to smash something. Deanna offered up her body for this purpose, but quickly withdrew (Do you think she saw the psychotic look in my eyes?). It scares me to feel this way. I ran, but did not escape the quarrel in my mind. I have been antsy. Unable to sit down and study/read. Seemingly incapable of even being civil at times. This is not me...not normally (at least not after my fix of coffee).

Beautifully, the Lord knows this, and sent some close friends to help. (Thanks Elsie jay and Carol). They just spent time talking, a distraction from the trek through the frustrations of loss, at least for a while. How precious and beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news! (even though they were dotted with paint splatter)

It was difficult to return to our church home. Not because of lack of support from our church family, that was present in abundance. It seems memories are tied with every step. The pew we sat in as a family. The missing bass guitar line in worship. The vacancy on the platform. The weekly request for a pen to take notes during the message. The waiting in the car after church for him to return. Graciously, our brothers and sisters in Christ were most understanding, welcoming, and loving. Thank you FBC!

When BJ was about 9, we decided to get a dog. We visited several animal shelters in the process. We loved on many dogs over those few days. The last shelter we visited, something odd happened. As we walked the dank, noisy kennel aisles, BJ sat down in front of one. He was looking into the eyes of a half australian shepherd, half basenji, 6 month old pup. He would not budge. He insisted that this was the
dog. He did not want to look anymore. We had played with many others, and found that many were more interested in other dogs than being with us. Not this dog. He ignored all else. It seemed he and Beej had made a connection. We took him home. His name is Dakota. He does not understand where BJ is. He visits his room many times and sniffs the air for his scent.

Oddly we have done the same thing. Trying to find an article of clothing that smells like BJ. Perhaps to help us remember, or to bring comfort, possibly just to try and feel him close one more time. We have found nothing (unless a stinky sock cap counts). I think I know why. I think it is because Beej, like Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego did not come out of the fire of trial smelling like smoke...but carrying the aroma of Christ alone.

I continue to thank our Almighty Father in Heaven for each of you.

Ashley R. and Kayla please know that Deanna and I are lifting you up. We love you girls.

dad


(Marla, are you going to send me that picture of the tree planting, or do I have to come to California to get it? Can't wait! Thanks!)