Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I confess to you that as the day draws nearer, I know less and less about how to mark it. How do you look at the anniversary of the day you lost your one and only son? How do you view the day you celebrated his entrance into the presence of the Almighty? It is bitter, it is sweet.

After all, it is just another day. The world will go on as if nothing happened on this day in history. Deanna and I recognize it as the day BJ was due to be born 17 years ago. He was late (shocking!). I am sure he had good reason, but with no food and no one to talk to, I cannot imagine why he tarried for five more days. Perhaps so that the celebration of his birth would not be the same day as the celebration as his death.

At 46, I did not think there were too many things left for me to be a rookie at. I am as green as I can be at knowing what to do. Understandably, I am hearing from others who are having difficulty with knowing what to do with this day.

We absolutely have every reason to celebrate where he is, and what his view is like. We can laugh at the endless hours of conversation he is likely having with Jonah. Why on earth did he run the other way? BJ will have a low tolerance but a forgiving spirit for this. What is it like on the stinky inside of the fish? What is the view like in total darkness? Did you feel anything disgusting?

How absolutely breathtaking must his line of sight be to the Splendor of the King! What right do we have to begrudge him this incredible honor? How healing it must be to be in the presence of the only Spotless Lamb. Slain for his sin. How humbling to embrace His full presence and glory. I truly cannot imagine the Shekinah brilliance of our Savior. How can the knowledge that he is there with Him, be a sad day?

How can it be that we are in the middle of conversation and suddenly cannot speak a word without quiver and tremble as our accomplices? Where does the endless supply of liquid salt come from, and when will that reservoir run dry? How far is it to the comfort that will truly remove the stabs of intensity which are continuously thrust into our emotional expanse?

Why has the family Bitterness, taken up residence next door? Why do they want to visit us? We have nothing for them. Their promises of replacement comfort are shallow yet all consuming. We want no part of their offering. They are hideous to us...yet there is intrigue on their lips.

Fleeing from that which has been sent to exterminate peace finds us weary of running. The hiding places are few on the barren plain of his absence.

The only way to survive is to face the ugliness head on. The knowledge that He never forsakes His own will bring with it a soothing ointment for the open wound of brokenness. We could not have made it to this day without His grace. Door after door stand open as we are ushered into places we could never have conceived.

Sharing brings healing. But it only happens one small and all but insignificant word at a time.

Please do not grow weary of our offering, it is the only way we know to carry on. We have laden you with much over the last year, yet you walk as though your pack was empty. Blessed are you in the kingdom of God. He will richly reward you for your ministry to us.


dad

13 Comments:

At 11:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

and yet your ministry helps each of us. May God bless and comfort you and your family.

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger Linda Ronne said...

Brent, Your post this morning again brought the river of tears. I'm sure I can say for every single person that posts here, we do not do anything for a reward that we may receive from our King. We do it because we love you, even though so many of us have not met you personally, it is still love. We do it because we care and because we hurt with you, even though not to the same extent we feel your pain, and want to lift you in the hopes that our Savior will lessen the sting of loss. We do it because BJ has touched and challenged, and continues to touch and challenge, each and every life that he has come in contact with, whether it be physically or through his thoughts and writings.
I pray as the day draws nearer that you all will feel and experience the healing balm of Jesus. May He give you rest and comfort in your times of trouble.

In His Love
Linda

 
At 12:12 PM, Anonymous On Our Knees... said...

Speechless without words, but tears continue...not for hopelessness, but because there is hurt and we love you.

Then I try to read your post to the children, ... "suddenly cannot speak a word without quiver and tremble". They have seen this MANY times.

Lord, it is You who gives us strength. We bow before You and all that You do for us. We beseech you to continue to bless and care tenderly for Brett, Deanna, Whitney, and Lauren. Give them endurance Lord. Allow all the words of comfort to be heard with Your ears and not twisted in any way by the enemy. Praise You to whom we want all the glory to be given.

We love you, dearly.

 
At 12:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We all lift you and your family up to the Almighty for comfort. My family hasn't let a day go by without some thought of BJ and your family and we will continue. YOu and your family has been a great blessing and inspiration to us. God Bless

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger Praying in Pink said...

Joining the speechless-once-again crowd. AMEN AMEN AMEN to my blog family's comments!

Why did God have BJ so focused on the unity of His body? Because it was on HIS heart.

Why has God used BJ's death to unite the body? Because it was on BJ's heart, too--one that, as we have witnessed for more than a year now, followed Jesus with a heartbeat of obedience.

Now we know the power of the Gospel.
Now we know the power of a changed life.
Now we know the reason why we're here!

with the most tender love
and heartfelt prayers in pink,

Marti

 
At 1:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

BJ's story is still being shared daily. Everytime I wear that pink shirt someone asks about it. Then I get to tell the story. It is truly a great witnessing tool. BJ's testimony is still inspiring others a year later as it will for years to come.
Heather

 
At 2:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are in my prayers Higgins family. Thank you for ministering to us! Your words of Truth have helped me so much over the last 1 1/2 years. I love your family as if you were part of my family. You ARE a part of my family, God's family! Lord give them strength as BJ's anniversary with You nears.

All my love,
Shelly
Noblesville, Indiana

 
At 4:18 PM, Anonymous kristin dutt said...

parents--

goodness. that was a rough one to read. i could hear it in your voice yesterday, dad. i knew it was consuming your thoughts and emotions. i'm praying for you. i'm not sure exactly what to ask for.. but i'm asking the Lord to sustain you, and keep your heart focused on Him during this next week. i know it will be hard.. i know it hurts my heart to think about it.

love you all. praying always.
missing you.
~kristin

 
At 6:24 PM, Anonymous tammy bullington said...

Hello Higgins Family,
I was reading your site today (as always) I thought it was ironic about BJ being due on the day he passed. We had Jayden deicated on Sept. 19-2004. He wore his little white suit he was so cute. The next and last time he wore that suit was on Sept.19-2005
When we saw him for the last time at his funeral. Oh I miss him so much!! You guys take care of each other. All my love, Tammy (Jaydens Grandma)

 
At 6:26 PM, Anonymous tammy bullington said...

I am sorry I miss spelled DEDICATED.

 
At 7:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I echo Shelly's posting.
Praying for you in Indiana,
Love,
Stacy

 
At 9:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My heart aches for your loss and surrounds you with love and prayer yet we are strangers. Nothing will take away the pain and the stain on your life is large and can not be hidden. Why did this have to be? Still no answer. Only the knowledge of our Lord's acquaintance with pain and suffering; the knowledge that Our Father also lost a Son; the depth of His great Love for us we feel in our hearts; the rough hewn cross and it's weight that we carry; these somehow see us through.

 
At 11:04 PM, Anonymous KrisW said...

I know I have not been commenting of late (like the past 9 months or so) but I have been faithfully checking for updates. As next Tuesday draws nearer and nearer, you all are continually in my thoughts, and more importantly, in my prayers. You have taught me more than you can ever know. Thank you so much.
May God continue to cuddle and comfort you, especially during this next week...
God bless.
Kris Wegener, Bloomington Indiana

 

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